


The incomprehensibly complex element

by comeaftermejackrobinson



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Post Season 4, Post-Episode: s04e03 The Final Problem, Romance, Text Messages
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-10-05 16:20:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 29,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10312229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeaftermejackrobinson/pseuds/comeaftermejackrobinson
Summary: He sends her a text once he's back in London. It's the first thing he does. The fear of losing her has made him realize that what he feels for her is an incomprehensibly complex human emotion that terrifies him and makes his heart stand still. But the phone call he was forced to make broke her heart, and she is not sure she can keep on affording the luxury of being lovesick over Sherlock Holmes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Sherlock Holmes**

_01:10 am_

I went in my Mind Palace through every interaction we have ever had. Every single one since we first met. They are all there. I never deleted them.

 

_01:11 am_

I understand everything now.

 

_01:11 am_

I am sorry, Molly Hooper.

 

_01:13 am_

I do not deserve your loveliness, your kindness. But I'm a bastard, like I suppose you very well know by now, and a selfish man, so it is only natural and expected that I would want to have and keep that which I don't deserve.

 

_01:13 am_

_You._

 

_01:14 am_

I want you.

 

_01:14 am_

I want to keep you.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_01:25 am_

Please don't do this to me. Please. Just don't.

 

_01:27 am_

I need you to please acknowledge that I am a human being with feelings. You can't just do this to me. You can't cut me up and bleed me dry. I am not an experiment. I'm not a test subject you can work on. I am a person, Sherlock. Please don't treat me like a lab rat you can vivisect because you're bored.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_01:28 am_

I would never do to you what I had done to me.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_01:30 am_

I don't want to hurt anymore.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_01:30 am_

I don't want you to hurt anymore.

 

_01:31 am_

I don't want to hurt you anymore, either.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_01:36 am_

Do you know what it is like? What it feels like? To hurt everywhere? To hurt all over? To want it to stop so desperately, but it doesn't. It just eats you up. It eats away at you every day. And you just waste away with the pain. Do you know how it is like, Sherlock? Have you ever felt anything like that?

 

_01:37 am_

You don’t have to answer me, you know? It’s a rhetorical question.

 

_01:37 am_

I know you haven’t.

 

_01:38 am_

The great Sherlock Holmes, an emotionless high-functioning sociopath.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_01:38 am_

I am vulnerably emotional when it comes to you.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_01:41 am_

Stop making fun of me. I only count when you need something. You only notice me when you can use me. I don't matter, you don't see me, you don't care. I'm less valuable than the disposable needles you shoot up with.

 

_01:42 am_

For the last time I am going to ask you to stop being cruel to me for whatever sick, twisted games you may be playing this time.

 

_01:44 am_

I don't have it in me to keep on being a pawn in your mind games. I’ve truly had it. I should have put a stop to this sooner, God knows I've tried, but I am so lovesick I just let you eat my soul and spit it out. If you ever really cared then it wouldn't have come to this.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_01:45 am_

I do care, Molly. I realized I care too much, and that it will be my downfall. Caring is a disadvantage, emotions are chemical defects found on the losing side. I thought I was immune to all of this, but I am not.

 

_01:47 am_

You are my sweetest downfall, Molly Hooper. Something inside of me broke today and everything I've been hiding from myself is coming to the surface. I care too much about you, that's why I spent so much time pushing you away. But I'm tired now.

 

_01:47 am_

I grew tired of pushing you away from me.

 

_01:49 am_

Please let me explain what happened today. I want you to hear it from me.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_01:55 am_

Whatever experiment this is, please I ask you to understand that I am physically and emotionally sick for you to keep playing with me, and for you to expect me to play along.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:05 am_

I know I have never been good with words when it comes to you.

 

_2:05 am_

I always say such horrible things.

 

_2:06 am_

Every time.

 

_2:06 am_

Always.

 

_2:07 am_

So if my words aren't enough, and I never had a reason to believe that they'd be enough, I researched an author you like.

 

_2:08 am_

You mentioned him to Mary once.

 

_2:09 am_

“All of life and human reactions have become so incomprehensibly complex that, when you think about it, it becomes terrifying and your heart stands still”

 

_2:11 am_

You make me feel like this. You are the incomprehensibly complex emotion that terrifies me and makes my heart stand still.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:13 am_

Please tell me you haven't taken any drugs.

 

_2:13 am_

Tell me this isn't for some stupid experiment or for a case.

 

_2:14 am_

Tell me you're not quoting Chekhov to me because you are high or trying to test just how long I can stand your cruelness.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:14 am_

I'm not high as a kite.

 

 _2:14_ _am_

I'm not trying to be cruel, Molly. I'm telling the truth. You are that to me. You are this incomprehensibly complex emotion that I can't explain to myself.

 

_2:15 am_

But please do let me explain what happened, why I called you.

 

_2:16 am_

I am at the front of your building.

 

_2:16 am_

Can I please come in?


	2. Chapter 2

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:55 am_

How did you sleep last night?

 

_8:00 am_

Are you still sleeping?

 

_8:10 am_

I left an hour after you didn't reply to my question, I guessed you didn't want me to go up into your apartment and talk with you.

 

_8:15 am_

You are still upset.

 

_8:20 am_

I read women relax and feel happier when they see a picture of the offspring of a mammal. Apparently they find them lovely for some reason.

 

_8:23 am_

Would it help matters if I sent you the picture of a lovely mammal offspring?

 

_8:24 am_

You like kittens if I remember correctly.

 

_8:24 am_

Of course I remember correctly, I remember everything about you.

 

_8:25 am_

Would you like to see the pictures of kittens I have found on the internet?

 

_8:25 am_

One of them is wearing a deerstalker hat.

 

_8:26 am_

Perhaps that one wouldn't be the best option at the moment

 

_8:28 am_

Molly, please talk to me. I just want to know how you are doing.

 

_8:29 am_

I still would like to drop by your house and explain everything to you.

 

_8:31 am_

Please.

 

_8:38 am_

I just got off the phone with St. Barts. Mike Stamford says you called in sick. Are you physically unwell? Should I call John?

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_8:49 am_

Your brother and a bomb squad have just left my apartment.

 

_8:50 am_

I couldn't fall asleep until almost 6 this morning, and the moment I did Mycroft and his men woke me up.

 

_8:51 am_

He talked to me.

 

_8:51 am_

Your brother, I mean.

 

_8:51 am_

He told me everything.

 

_8:52 am_

We talked while his men dismantled the cameras that had been hidden around the apartment,  and then checked the place for explosives.

 

_8:53 am_

He told me what happened.

 

_8:54 am_

With your sister, and with your friend Victor from when you were a kid.

 

_8:55 am_

He told me about the circumstances of the phone call you were forced to make because you thought I was in danger, and then he told me what he saw happen afterwards.

 

_8:55 am_

When you took it out on that coffin.

 

_8:56 am_

Sherlock, right now I don't know if I want to slap you three times in a row or hold you and never let go.

 

_8:57 am_

But then again that's how I have always felt about you. Ever since I can remember.

 

_8:57 am_

Ever since I met you.

 

_8:58 am_

I'm either mad at you or desperate for you. The only thing that never changes is that I'm always at your feet.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:00 am_

What if I want you to be in my arms?

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:01 am_

Why now, Sherlock?

 

_9:01 am_

What's different now?

 

_9:01 am_

What’s changed?

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:02 am_

She showed me a coffin that was fit for you.

 

_9:03 am_

There wasn't a name on the lid, it only had _those_ words.

 

_9:04 am_

John and my brother thought we were supposed to deduce who the coffin was for based on the assumption that it was someone who loved _me_.

 

_9:05 am_

I've often told John that he looks but he does not observe.

 

_9:06 am_

I made that mistake yesterday.

 

_9:06 am_

I've been making that mistake with you for years.

 

_9:07 am_

I looked at the lid on the coffin but I didn't observe. At least not at first. Not until after the call. Not until after I realized… some things.

 

_9:08 am_

When I was left alone with that coffin, that's when I knew I had made a mistake. I've been making the same mistake for years, looking but not observing.

 

_9:09 am_

We didn't have to deduce who the coffin was for based on the assumption that they loved me.

 

_9:10 am_

We had to deduce whom I love.

 

_9:10 am_

The coffin was yours but the words on the lid were mine.

 

_9:10 am_

They were _from me to you_.

 

_9:11 am_

She made me imagine you in a coffin.

 

_9:12 am_

When all along I've failed to observe that I just want you in my arms.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:15 am_

You can't do this to me, you bastard.

 

_9:15 am_

It's not fair.

 

_9:15 am_

That you just say a couple of words and I crumble down.

 

_9:16 am_

It is not fair just how easily you can make me come undone.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:17 am_

For what it’s worth, yesterday you made me come undone, too.

 

_9:30 am_

Molly, are you still there?

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:31 am_

Yes

 

_9:31 am_

Sorry

 

_9:31 am_

I just don’t know what to do.

 

_9:31 am_

Or what to say.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:32 am_

I don’t, either.

 

_9:33 am_

I don’t know what to do or say.

 

_9:35 am_

I stayed up all night, I did some research.

 

_9:35 am_

About… well, about feelings.

 

_9:35 am_

I found another quote I’d like to send to you.

 

_9:35 am_

Since we both know how things turn out when I use my own words.

 

_9:37 am_

“But, here was a curious thing. The more I tried to give up thinking of her, the more I said to myself, ‘She’s nothing to you’, the harder I tried to pluck the idea of her out of my heart, the more she stayed there.”

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:42 am_

You feel that about me?

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:43 am_

I have recently discovered that I feel _everything_ about you.

 

_9:44 am_

Everything I always thought I was immune to, everything I always looked down on, all of that, you make me feel it.

 

_9:45 am_

I am on the losing side after all, it seems.

 

_9:45 am_

But I’m starting to understand that you are no defect, Molly Hooper.

 

_9:46 am_

And it’s a complex process.

 

_9:46 am_

It’s still incomprehensible to me.

 

_9:46 am_

It terrifies me.

 

_9:47 am_

It makes my heart stand still.

 

_9:47 am_

But it is what it is.

 

_9:47 am_

You know what _it_ is.

 

_9:47 am_

You made me say _it,_  and that combined with the fear of losing you, that combined with my deductions on whom the words in the coffin lid were for, all of that made me realize that I mean _it_.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:50 am_

I just put the kettle on. Would you like to come over for a cup of tea?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The quote Sherlock sends to Molly was found by a friend of mine on tumblr. She shared it with me, and I thought it sum up perfectly how he's always been with her. It's from the movie The Handmaiden (2016) dir. Park Chan-wook.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:12 pm_

I slept with her.

 

**John Watson**

_9:13 pm_

What?

 

_9:13 pm_

With whom?

 

_9:13 pm_

You mean Irene Adler?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:14 pm_

Of course I don't mean The Woman.

 

_9:14 pm_

Do observe from time to time, John, now would you?

 

**John Watson**

_9:15 pm_

You mean Janine when you were pretending to be her boyfriend?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:15 pm_

Well, now you are pretending to be clueless just to annoy me.

 

_9:15 pm_

I know you can be dense sometimes, but really John, even you aren't _that_ dense.

 

**John Watson**

_9:16 pm_

I really do have no idea what, or whom, you are talking about.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:16 pm_

I'm talking about Molly, of course.

 

**John Watson**

_9:16 pm_

Molly?

 

_9:16 pm_

Molly Hooper?

 

_9:16 pm_

Pathologist at St. Bart's, godmother to Rosie (that's my daughter's, and your goddaughter's, name in case you don't remember), is that the Molly Hooper we are talking about?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:17 pm_

Do we happen to know any other female by the name of Molly Hooper?

 

_9:17 pm_

I believe she is the only acquaintance that we have in common that goes by that name.

 

_9:18 pm_

So yes, I am talking about Molly Hooper.

 

_9:18 pm_

I slept with her  

 

**John Watson**

_9:19 pm_

When did this happen? When did you have sex with her?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:20 pm_

I didn't say I had sex with her.

 

_9:20 pm_

I said that I slept with her.

 

_9:21 pm_

I think I gave you more credit than you deserved. I only now realize my choice in wording would lead you to think that I have had sexual intercourse with Molly Hooper. My apologies.

 

_9:22 pm_

I'll rephrase it for your understanding.

 

_9:23 pm_

Molly Hooper and I occupied the same bed, shared the same duvet, the same linings, the same pillow, our muscles relaxed, and  our bodies alternated between non-REM and REM sleep for a total of seven hours, twenty one minutes.

 

_9:24 pm_

Do you understand now?

 

**John Watson**

_9:24 pm_

You took a seven and a half hour nap with Molly?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:25 pm_

Seven hours, twenty one minutes. Really John, you should know there are 30 minutes in a half hour.

 

**John Watson**

_9:26 pm_

Why are you telling me this?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:26 pm_

Because I want advice, of course, why else?

 

_9:27 pm_

But seeing as you are failing to deduce something so basic, perhaps I should have texted Gary.

 

**John Watson**

_9:27 pm_

Greg

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:28 pm_

As I was saying, I slept with Molly Hooper and now I would like your advice on what I should do next.

 

**John Watson**

_9:29 pm_

Where is she now? Is she still asleep? Are you ignoring her to text me?

 

_9:30 pm_

I hope it's not the latest, although it wouldn't be the first time you ignore someone to use your phone. You were tweeting at my daughter's christening, for God's sake!

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:31 pm_

She's tossing together some late dinner for us. I told her I would be an inconvenience if I hung around with her in the kitchen while she was at it, and that I needed space. She understood. I am in the sitting room now, not that it should matter or be of interest to you or to anyone. I don't think this is information you need in order to give me the advice that I am seeking.

 

**John Watson**

_9:32 pm_

Tell me everything from the beginning.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:32 pm_

I texted her when I returned to London, and she was still upset about… well, you know what happened. You were there.

 

_9:32 pm_

I wanted to see her, but she didn't want to see me.

 

_9:32 pm_

I texted her again this morning. Mycroft has been at her home- dismantled the cameras, checked for explosives. He explained about Sherrinford. About Eurus.

 

_9:33 pm_

I told her I realized the words on the lid were from me to her, and that I think they are true. That they've always been true. So she agreed to see me, asked me over for tea.

 

_9:34 pm_

So I came over.

 

_9:35 pm_

We sat on the couch and had tea. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to make things worse- apparently every time I open my mouth I either offend her or stamp over her heart. So we sat there in silence.

 

_9:38 pm_

She saw how bad my hands are. She didn't say anything, Mycroft had already told her about the fate of the coffin. She went to the bathroom to find some things and took care of the injuries.

 

_9:39 pm_

They fit.

 

**John Watson**

_9:39 pm_

What does?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:40 pm_

Her hands in mine.

 

_9:40 pm_

We sat in silence and held hands when she was finished taking care of the splinters and the bruises. She measured her fingers against mine, traced the lines in my palms. Took my fingers and made me trace the lines in hers.

 

_9:42 pm_

And then she held my fingers to her lips and kissed them.

 

_9:42 pm_

_And I let her_

 

_9:42 pm_

I let her do all that.

 

_9:43 pm_

Then she asked me if I had slept at all, and I told her it'd been days since I last slept. She told me she hadn't been sleeping well either.

 

_9:43 pm_

We went to her bedroom, laid on her bed and fell asleep.

 

_9:43 pm_

She held me, and I let her. She put her arms around my torso and spooned me, and I let her. She buried her face in my neck, pressed her chest to my back, and I just let her.

 

_9:44 pm_

We woke up an hour ago and she asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner. I said yes. We went into the kitchen. I told her I needed space. I went to the sitting room and into my Mind Palace, and then I began texting you.

 

**John Watson**

_9:46 pm_

Sherlock, I think this is a good thing.

 

_9:46 pm_

I really do.

 

_9:47 pm_

If you've come to realize you have feelings for her, then you should act on them. No matter how little you understand about them or how much they scare you.

 

_9:48 pm_

Being capable of human emotion is not a disadvantage, Sherlock. It's something good.

 

_9:49 pm_

Molly Hooper can do you good.

 

_9:49 pm_

She always does you good.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:50 pm_

And I always make her hurt.

 

_9:50 pm_

I make her hurt everywhere.

 

_9:51 pm_

She told me so in her messages.

 

_9:51 pm_

I don't want her to hurt anymore.

 

_9:51 pm_

I don't want to hurt her anymore.

 

_9:52 pm_

What if I just do that? What if that's the only thing I can do to her? Hurt her?

 

**John Watson**

_9:53 pm_

I think it's great that you are asking for advice.

 

_9:54 pm_

I really do.

 

_9:54 pm_

But if you want to know what you should and shouldn't do as not to hurt her, then you are not seeking advice from the right source.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:55 pm_

What do you mean?

 

**John Watson**

_9:55 pm_

It's not me you should ask.

 

_9:55 pm_

I'm not the best person to tell you how not to make her hurt anymore.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:56 pm_

Who is then? Who should I ask?

 

**John Watson**

_9:57 pm_

Molly.

 

_9:57 pm_

You should ask Molly.


	4. Chapter 4

**Molly Hooper**

_9:30 pm_

Hello John! How are you? How’s Rosie? Sorry for the late night text, I just wanted to check on you two and let you know that Sherlock’s at home with me, in case he forgot to mention where he was going.

 

**John Watson**

_9:30 pm_

Hi, Molly.

 

_9:30 pm_

We’re both fine, thank you.

 

_9:31 pm_

Sherlock’s been texting me, he told me he was at your place.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:31 pm_

He did?

 

**John Watson**

_9:33 pm_

Yes, he’s texting me right now.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:34 pm_

Oh, yes, I see him. He’s in the sitting room looking at his phone very intensely. I didn’t want to ask what he was doing. He said he needed space, so I didn’t want to bother him.

 

_9:34 pm_

I’m at the kitchen making some egg salad sandwiches. I asked him if he wanted to stay, and he said yes.

 

**John Watson**

_9:35 pm_

You know about what happened yesterday at Sherrinford.

 

_9:35 pm_

About Eurus.

 

_9:35 pm_

And, well, about everything.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:36 pm_

Yes, I do.

 

_9:36 pm_

Mycroft came over this morning. He explained. He also took care of the cameras and checked my home for explosives. I’m so glad he got rid of them all, John. And I’m also glad there weren’t any explosives at my home to begin with.

 

_9:37 pm_

Although that doesn’t make things any less scary.

 

_9:37 pm_

Or any easier.

 

**John Watson**

_9:37 pm_

Believe me, I know.

 

_9:37 pm_

So has Sherlock been behaving himself?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:38 pm_

He hasn’t been speaking much.

 

_9:38 pm_

From a couple of things he said in his texts this morning before I asked him over, I gather he thinks every time he speaks to me he hurts me or messes it all up between us.

 

_9:38 pm_

He isn’t _th_ a _t_ wrong.

 

_9:38 pm_

I even told him myself that he always says such horrible things, every time. He isn’t ignorant to the pain he can cause with his words and with his actions.

 

_9:39 pm_

But we’ve barely spoken since he got here, and I don’t know if it’s because everything that’s happened is too much to handle and he needs space, or if it’s because he thinks if he says _anything_ then he’s going to mess up badly.

 

_9:40 pm_

I’m scared he may not want to talk to me.

 

_9:41 pm_

Silly, right?

 

_9:41 pm_

It takes a lot more than silly, mousy Molly Hooper to shut up Sherlock Holmes.

 

_9:41 pm_

He must probably be tired after what he went through at Sherrinford. A little bit in shock. Physically and emotionally exhausted. Who wouldn’t be?

 

_9:42 pm_

We slept through the day.

 

_9:42 pm_

We held each other in our sleep.

 

_9:43 pm_

We woke up like that.

 

_9:43 pm_

He woke up before I did, and he just stayed there. He let me hold him. He didn’t let go.

 

_9:43 pm_

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this.

 

_9:43 pm_

Sorry.

 

_9:43 pm_

I’m being silly, sorry.

  


**John Watson**

_9:44 pm_

Molly, I don't’ think you fully realize just how important you are to him.

 

_9:44 pm_

How much you mean to him.

 

_9:44 pm_

I was there when _it_ happened.

 

_9:45 pm_

I saw it.

 

_9:45 pm_

I saw _him._

 

_9:45 pm_

He looked like I did when I lost _her._

 

_9:45 pm_

His brilliant mind needs time to process all of this. But as shocked and emotionally drained as he may be, as physically exhausted as he may be, I can tell you that he is trying. Please give him a chance to prove to you that he meant _it_.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:46 pm_

I want him to know that no matter how little he thinks he understands about feelings and human emotion, I want him to know that he deserves them. He deserves to feel them. He deserves to be loved. He is capable of loving. I want him to know that I believe he has a great capacity for loving.

 

_9:46 pm_

I want to find a way to tell him that caring is not a disadvantage. That it is something good and that it will always be worth it. That it will always be worth whatever pain may come his way because of it. 

 

_9:47 pm_

I want him to know that the only thing I wish is to do him good.

 

_9:47 pm_

There’s nothing that I wish more that that.

 

**John Watson**

_9:53 pm_

I think he wants to do you good, too.

 

_9:53 pm_

The only problem is that he’s scared.

 

_9:54 pm_

But he wants to try.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:55 pm_

I was hoping that perhaps we could talk after having a bite to eat.

 

_9:55 pm_

It doesn’t have to be about Sherrinford.

 

_9:55 pm_

Or about feelings.

 

_9:55 pm_

Just talk.

 

_9:56 pm_

So he can know that he doesn’t have to be scared of talking to me simply because I said he’s hurt me with his words in the past. I want him to know that he can also heal me with the gentleness and kindness I can see within him. I felt it today in the way he let me touch him, and hold him, and physically comfort him: he is capable of pure, beautiful emotions. No matter how incomprehensibly complex he thinks they are. He is capable of them.

 

_9:57 pm_

I hope he opens up and talks to me about them, if not today then sometime in the future. I am patient. I have time. I have all the time in the world for him. Always have. Always will.

 

_9:57 pm_

I am so sorry I told him he always says horrible things.

 

_9:57 pm_

It’s not true. It’s not _always_ true.

 

**John Watson**

_9:58: pm_

It is true, Molly. And it's good that you tell him off for it. 

 

_9:58 pm_

Look, we both know Sherlock can be difficult to deal with. And to work with. And to live with.

 

_9:59 pm_

Sherlock is a difficult person. Period.

 

_10:00 pm_

You are aware of that as much as I am.

 

_10:00 pm_

But, like you said, he is capable of human emotion, no matter how much he insists that it's not true. Whether he likes it or not, whether he agrees with us or not, he is. He does have that capacity. He’s a changed man. He is so much different than the person he was when I first met him.

 

_10:01 pm_

And after the events that took place at Sherrinford, I think things are about to change even more now.

 

_10:02 pm_

He’ll talk to you.

 

_10:02 pm_

In his own way.

 

_10:02 pm_

In his own time.

 

_10:02 pm_

And we both know that he’ll mess it up a lot and that he’ll get it wrong once, twice, maybe even ten times before he actually gets it right.

 

_10:03 pm_

But if there’s anyone that can help him process this, understand and live with these complex emotions he can’t yet comprehend, then that someone is you.

 

_10:04 pm_

Because you are patient and kind, and you care, and you love him. You always have. You love him more than anyone I know. You have helped him through the worst. You have dealt with him at his worst. You know everything about the man and still you love him deeply.

 

_10:05 pm_

And he loves you.

 

_10:05 pm_

You two will be fine, Molly.

 

_10:05 pm_

You’ll work it out.

 

_10:05 pm_

It won’t be easy, but you’ll work it out. You can help him understand, and this time around I think he wants to be helped. He’d appreciate every bit of help he can get from you to learn how his heart works.

 

_10:06 pm_

Because contrary to popular belief, he does have one. Sherlock Holmes has got a heart.

 

_10:06 pm_

I know because I’ve seen it.

 

_10:06 pm_

I saw it yesterday.

 

_10:06 pm_

It’s you.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:07 pm_

I never expected to be so important to someone.

 

_10:09 pm_

I don’t know what to say.

 

**John Watson**

_10:10 pm_

Don’t worry. He doesn’t, either.

 

_10:10 pm_

You’ll help each other work things out.

 

_10:11 pm_

Now go have some late dinner with him.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:11 pm_

He’ll think I’m a disaster in the kitchen. It took me nearly an hour to fix some egg salad sandwiches.

 

**John Watson**

_10:12 pm_

He won’t notice.

 

_10:12 pm_

He won’t mind.

 

_10:13 pm_

Right now he just wants you.

 

_10:13 pm_

Right now you’re all that matters, all that counts.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sherlock Holmes**

_3:15 pm_

You could have taken another day off, you know.

 

_3:16 pm_

Stay at home.

 

_3:17 pm_

You have a cold. You need plenty of fluid, preferably hot beverages. You need to regularly apply cold packs around your congested sinuses. Not to mention you should rest as much as possible, and it’s recommendable that you do so with an extra pillow under your head.

 

_3:18 pm_

You should have not gone into work this morning.

 

_3:18 pm_

You should have listened to me and stay at home.

 

_3:19 pm_

Your home, I mean.

 

_3:19 pm_

You should have stayed at your home.

 

_3:20 pm_

You should have asked for another day off.

 

_3:21 pm_

That tea with ginger and orange juice does not have the healing properties you claim it does.

 

_3:22 pm_

They have not been scientifically proven.

 

_3:22 pm_

You are a doctor, you should know that.

 

_3:23 pm_

You should also have known better than to go into work today, like I already pointed out.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_4:01 pm_

Sorry! I was elbows deep in Mrs. Suzanne Carmichael, 65 years old. Interesting tumor she had in her liver, though cause of death was blunt force trauma to the head.

 

_4:02 pm_

Car accident

 

_4:03 pm_

I feel fine, so much better already.

 

_4:03 pm_

The tea with ginger and orange juice does help, Sherlock. It does.

 

_4:03 pm_

I’ve been drinking it every time I come down with a cold ever since I was a girl, and I never had to miss a single class or working day thanks to its properties. It does do wonders.

 

_4:04 pm_

The only reason I called in sick yesterday was because…well, you know.

 

_4:05 pm_

I hadn’t slept at all the previous night because of different reasons. Nothing to do with the cold.

 

_4:06 pm_

I am feeling better now.

 

_4:10 pm_

Last one on my list is here, talk to you in a bit!

 

_4:11 pm_

You can tell me how things went with Mycroft and your parents today.

 

_4:11 pm_

I’ll read once I’m done with a Mr. Paul Vernon.

 

_4:12 pm_

I mean, if you want to, that is.

 

_4:12 pm_

It’s fine if you don’t.

 

_4:13 pm_

OK, I’ve got to cut this one open, talk to you in a bit!

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_4:25 pm_

Mycroft explained and apologised. My parents got very emotional. There were emotions. And tears. I did not want to participate in either. My parents want to see Eurus once it’s deemed safe and appropriate, and I will go with them as I promised Mummy that I would.

 

_4:30 pm_

Everything is still too fresh.

 

_4:30 pm_

In my Mind Palace.

 

_4:40 pm_

It’s still too fresh in my heart.

 

_4:41 pm_

It’s a lot to process.

 

_4:42 pm_

The emotions.

 

_4:43 pm_

Analytical, empirical data I can process and catalogue in a matter of seconds without so much as a blink of the eye, but emotions aren’t as easy to process for me.

 

_4:44 pm_

But I want you to know that I am trying.

 

_4:45 pm_

I am past denying I don’t possess the capacity to feel human emotion. I will no longer lie to myself, or others, by proclaiming that the place in my middle mediastinum at the level of thoracic vertebrae T5-T8 only contains a muscular organ that pumps blood through the blood vessels of my circulatory system.

 

_4:46 pm_

I could never lie to you, though.

 

_4:47 pm_

You always see right through the lies.

 

_4:48 pm_

You knew about the existence and the nature of my heart long before I did myself.

 

_4:49 pm_

I may have mastered the science of deduction, but you Molly Hooper have mastered the science of human emotion.

 

_4:50 pm_

Since you are the one person I know that feels the deepest and loves the hardest, I need to ask for your help.

 

_4:51 pm_

These incomprehensibly complex elements, they all are new to me.

 

_4:52 pm_

But they aren’t new to you.

 

_4:52 pm_

I don’t want to make a bloody mess of you and I.

 

_4:54 pm_

The one thing that preoccupies me the most is to ensure that you don't get any more hurt than you already have in the past, either because of me or because of anyone, or anything, else.

 

_4:55 pm_

That is my priority, that you don't get hurt.

 

_4:56 pm_

If possible, ever again.

 

_4:57 pm_

I hope you want to help me, Molly.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_6:00 pm_

I just finished. I'm about to go home now.

 

_6:01 pm_

I will always, always want to help you, Sherlock.

 

_6:01 pm_

Every time. Always.

 

_6:01 pm_

I said it to you once and to this day it still remains true: whatever you need, you can always have me.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_6:05 pm_

I need you.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_6:06 pm_

You have me.

 

_06:07 pm_

You have a beautiful heart, Sherlock Holmes.

 

_6:07 pm_

You may think otherwise, but we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_6:08 pm_

You never stopped believing that.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_6:08 pm_

No. Not even once.

 

_6:09 pm_

Everything you believe you are, the brilliant, gifted man, this jewel of a genius- you are all that, I've always seen it and I've always believed it. I’ve never stopped. I've never doubted you.

 

_6:10 pm_

But it is true that you always miss something.

 

_6:10 pm_

In this case, I think you've failed to notice for a long time that you are a human being capable of emotion. A human being with a beautiful heart.

 

_6:11 pm_

I've always seen that, too. And I've always believed in that. Even if you didn't.

 

_6:12 pm_

I am sorry if I ever made you think or feel that you aren't all that.

 

_6:13 pm_

Those things I said when terribly angry or sad.

 

_6:13 pm_

Or both.

 

_6:13 pm_

And I shouldn’t have said them.

 

_6:14 pm_

No one deserves to be treated as if they didn’t have feelings or emotions. Or be told that they don’t.

 

_6:14 pm_

I am sorry about that.

 

_6:14 pm_

Like I said, those were things I spoke out of sadness or anger. They didn’t come from my heart, and I do not believe them to be true.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_6:15 pm_

You don’t have to apologize, Molly.

 

_6:15 pm_

I shouldn’t have made you upset, angry or sad to begin with.

 

_6:16 pm_

I am sorry about that.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_6:17 pm_

It seems like we both have a lot of things to be sorry for.

 

_6:17 pm_

But I have faith that we’re going to be just fine, Sherlock, in spite of those things.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_6:18 pm_

Always the faithful one, my Molly Hooper.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_6:19 pm_

I’m getting in the tube now.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_6:22 pm_

Could you please let me know when you arrive home safely? I would appreciate that.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_6:52 pm_

I’m home.

 

_6:53 pm_

Had some errands to run first, I had to stop by the grocery shop, and then get Toby his food.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_6:55 pm_

Toby did not like me spending the night at your place.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_6:56 pm_

Why do you say that?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_6:57 pm_

He did not like it when you made him leave the room before we got into bed.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:00 pm_

Well, he’s used to sleeping in bed with me.

 

_7:01 pm_

But you’re not used to sleeping with a cat, and I didn’t think you’d be inclined to do so, so I thought it best to have him sleep in the sitting room. I’m sure he didn’t mind much, he loves the couch.

 

_7:02 pm_

Now sit on the kitchen chair that he’s claimed his since I adopted him, and then you’ll know trouble.

 

_7:03 pm_

He doesn’t even like me sitting on that chair.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:04 pm_

They are very territorial creatures, cats.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:05 pm_

Mmmh, they remind me of someone.

 

**Sherlock Watson**

_7:05 pm_

Yes, they remind me of John, too.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:06 pm_

Yeah, right, because I was totally talking about John.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:07 pm_

I like texting you, Molly Hooper.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:08 pm_

I like texting you, too.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:08 pm_

You have no idea how many times I’ve checked my phone every time it went off hoping that it would be you.

 

_7:08 pm_

Silly, right?

 

_7:09 pm_

A friend of mine used to say it bordered on pathetic.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:10 pm_

I’m sorry.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:10 pm_

It’s not your fault I’m silly/pathetic.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:11 pm_

You are not silly or pathetic.

 

_7:11 pm_

I am sorry none of those texts were from me.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:12 pm_

It’s OK, Sherlock.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:13 pm_

It’s not.

 

_7:13 pm_

But I’ll take a leaf out of your book and have faith that in the future I will be better, and that every time your phone goes off and you expect to find a text from me, you’ll find a text from me.

 

_7:14 pm_

That is, if you still want to.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:15 pm_

Of course I still want to.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:16 pm_

Good.

 

_7:17 pm_

Because I like texting you.

 

_7:18 pm_

I also liked sleeping with you.

 

_7:19 pm_

I didn’t like the way the cat looked at me when we were eating breakfast this morning, though, but I consider it a small price to pay for sleeping with you.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:20 pm_

Toby didn’t look at you in any particular way, he’s just a cat.

 

_7:21 pm_

I liked sleeping with you, too.

 

_7:22 pm_

If you’re not doing anything more interesting, would you like to have dinner at my home and then sleep over again?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:23 pm_

I already ate and slept yesterday.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:24 pm_

Oh, ok.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:25 pm_

But I wouldn’t mind spending time with you.

 

_7:26 pm_

If you don’t mind me not eating or getting up in the middle of the night to think. I promise to try and not disturb your sleeping pattern if I happen to do so.

 

_7:27 pm_

I would like to keep you company while you eat, and I would like to just lay there with you while you sleep.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:28 pm_

I would like both things very much.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:29 pm_

Good. Buzz me in.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:29 pm_

You’re already here?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:30 pm_

If you didn’t ask me over I was going to ask you if I could drop by.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:31 pm_

You are impossible, you know that, right?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:31 pm_

I bought fish and chips.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_7:31 pm_

Oh, you should have mentioned that before! I’ll buzz you in now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 10:24 am _

Hi.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 10:24 am _

What’s wrong?

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 10:25 am _

Why should there be something wrong?

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 10:25 am _

You never start your texts with ‘hi’.

 

_ 10:25 am _

You delete texts that start with ‘hi’. 

 

_ 10:26 am _

You don't even read them.

 

_ 10:26 am _

Tell me what’s wrong.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 10:27 am _

I was attempting to have what most people would deem a normal conversation with you.

 

_ 10:27 am _

Apparently I can’t get past the greetings part.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 10:28 am _

We have normal conversations, Sherlock.

 

_ 10:28 am _

In our own ‘pathologist and consulting detective’ way.

 

_ 10:29 am _

But they are normal to us. 

 

_ 10:29 am _

We do have normal conversations.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 10:31 am _

I am inevitably rendered speechless in your presence, as I imagine you noticed yesterday when I was at your home with fish and chips for dinner and then stayed the night without so much as ten words passing between us from the moment I stepped inside your flat up until when I left after breakfast this morning and walked you to the tube, seeing you off to work.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 10:33 am _

You are scared you'll upset me with a comment or a deduction, and you feel more comfortable texting for now. 

 

_ 10:33 am _

It's OK. I feel comfortable texting, too.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 10:34 am _

So you don't find it annoying?

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 10:35 am _

What should I find annoying?

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 10:36 am _

The lack of verbal communication, of course. 

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 10:37 am _

A lot has happened in the last couple of days, not to mention the last couple of months. Right now we are in the stage of trying to figure out what will happen with this, with us. It's all very recent. We are talking small steps here, and I am OK with that because I can see you are taking them with me.

 

_ 10:39 am _

I don't have all the answers, so I don't expect you to have them either. We are figuring this out as it happens. You don't have to change who you are or behave a certain way for me to know you are making an effort. You told me that you didn't want to hurt me anymore, and I trust that you will try not to. That is enough for me. I don't expect you to start your texts with 'hi’ because others do so. I don't expect you to fill the silence with conversation about the weather or the telly or trivial things that you have no interest in. I don't expect you to be anyone else but yourself. I fell in love with  _ all of you.  _ I want you to be  _ you _ .

 

_ 10:44 am _

Now I have to go do two post mortems. Someone died of autoerotic suffocation while with his sexual partner and apparently his grandmother found them and she had heart failure.

 

_ 10:46 am _

Send all the messages you want and I will read them during my lunch break.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 10:49 am _

I thought you would be disappointed or upset by the lack of communication. Women deem communication an important part of any relationship.

 

_ 10:51 am _

I am not good at communicating with people.

 

_ 10:52 am _

I open my mouth, say the wrong thing, and you get hurt or angry or sad.

 

_ 10:53 am _

I do not want that.

 

_ 10:53 am _

When I text I have more time to think the things I am going to say. I can choose the correct wording. I can consider all reaction variables depending on the words I choose and the delivery of the sentence. Texting is much safer for me.

 

_ 10:55 am _

I am not trying to be someone I am not. I am just trying to be a better version of myself. One that doesn't hurt you or make you feel like you don't count every time I talk to you in person.

 

_ 10:58 am _

I don’t want you to think that I find you boring or uninteresting, because I don’t.

 

_ 10:59 am _

You are very interesting to me, Molly Hooper.

 

_ 11:00 am _

I just don’t want to make a mess.

 

_ 11:00 am _

I don’t know what to do.

 

_ 11:01 am _

I don’t know what’s happening, or the mechanics of it. You terrify me and make my heart stand still, and I don’t know what to do about it.

 

_ 11:02 am _

I just want you to know that whatever I end up doing, I want it to be the right thing.

 

_ 11:02 am _

I don’t want to be a selfish bastard anymore.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 12:23 am _

Sorry, I just finished here.

 

_ 12:24 am _

You will not believe me when I tell you what I found in the kidneys of that woman.

 

_ 12:24 am _

I saved you a sample.

 

_ 12:25 am _

I don’t think we don’t communicate well, Sherlock.

 

_ 12:25 am _

We are just at a point of our relationship in which we communicate… differently.

 

_ 12:26 am _

But we do communicate.

 

_ 12:27 am _

I don’t know if you noticed, but you have become very tactile with me these last few days.

 

_ 12:27 am _

Touching is communicating.

 

_ 12:28 am _

And we have touched a lot lately.

 

_ 12:28 am _

You kiss my fingers and I kiss yours, and we trace the lines in each other’s hands, and it feels nice. You kiss my forehead and my eyelids before I fall asleep and when I wake up. I play with your hair when we watch telly, and you rub my back and belly when we're in bed. 

 

_ 12:31 am _

We communicate, Sherlock.

 

_ 12:32 am _

Your touch speaks volumes to me.

 

_ 12:33 am _

It lets me know that you care. That you want to be gentle and nice. It lets me know that you are trying. It tells me you don't want to mess me up, and that you want to soothe me where I hurt. It tells me this is new for you, and that you are curious, excited and scared, all in equal parts.

 

_ 12:36 am _

Am I right?

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 12:36 am _

Yes, you are.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 12:37 am _

See? 

 

_ 12:37 am _

Skin on skin contact is our own language, and it can be like that for now. And for as long as you feel it's needed.

 

_ 12:38 am _

No one is rushing us. We set our own pace.

 

_ 12:39 am _

You told me you wanted my help, remember?

 

_ 12:40 am _

I can think of an exercise we can do. Do you want to try it out?

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 12:41 am _

Yes.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 12:42 am _

You said you don't know what to do. Perhaps you should focus on the things you do know.

 

_ 12:44 _

Let's make a list of the things we do know about this.

 

_ 12:44 am _

I'll start

 

_ 12:45 am _

I do know that I like hanging out with you at my place.

 

_ 12:46 am _

You go now.

 

_ 12:46 am _

Remember that there aren't wrong answers.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

12:50 am

I know that I like your breathing pattern.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 12:50 am _

OK.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 12:51 am _

It's a compliment.

 

_ 12:51 am _

It relaxes me. It soothes me. It makes me feel peaceful. 

 

_ 12:52 am _

There aren't many things that make me feel like this.

 

_ 12:52 am _

One of them is music.

 

_ 12:53 am _

The other one I don't think you would like to be compared to.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 12:55 am _

I know that I like how little my fingers are when we press our hands together and measure them.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 12:56 am _

I know that I like how small you are, and how easy it is to wrap my arms around you and spoon you when you sleep. And I know that I like to feel your heartbeat on my back when you spoon me. Your body is small but your heart is bigger than the universe, Molly Hooper.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 12:59 am _

You said two things you know, so now I'll say two things I know.

 

_ 1:01 pm _

I know you enjoy physical contact, at least with me. And I know you enjoy Eskimo kisses as much as me.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 1:03 pm _

What are Eskimo kisses?

 

_ 1:03 pm _

Is this a cultural reference?

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_ 1:04 pm _

You were doing it to me all the time yesterday night.

 

_ 1:04 pm _

It's when we rub our noses together very softly and very slowly.

 

_ 1:06 pm _

We can do much of that today if you want to come by my place. My shift ends at 6 pm. I'll be at home around 6:30 pm. Now I have to go, my lunch time is up.

 

_ 1:07 pm _

But I hope we have made it clear that I am happy with our own little language and the amount and quality of the communication going on between us.

 

_ 1:08 pm _

So if you're OK with it too, we can keep this up and let things flow naturally.

 

_ 1:09 pm _

We have all the time in the world, Sherlock. At least you do have all of my time.

 

_ 1:10 pm _

Gotta go do the next PM.

 

_ 1:10 pm _

Let me know if you'll stop by tonight and if you have any preference regarding dinner.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_ 1:11 pm _

I'll pick dinner on my way over.

 

_ 1:11 pm _

And Molly, there is one more thing I know.

 

_ 1:12 pm _

To me you may just be better than music and the other thing you won't like being compared to. And perhaps more addictive than the other thing you won't like being compared to. But the difference is I don't ever want to quit you.


	7. Chapter 7

**Molly Hooper**

_8:01 am_

I stopped at Tesco before going into Bart's and I saw this.

 

_8:01 am_

Wait, the pic’s uploading.

 

_8:02 am_

__

They have these toothbrushes at half price. I have to replace mine and I was wondering if you wanted one as well to keep at my place. The one you've been using these past couple of days is from when you stayed at my place after…, well you know.

 

_8:05 am_

So I'll probably stop by Tesco before going home, at lunchtime or when my shift is over. Let me know if you want one.

 

_08:05 am_

I hope you don't mind I suggested this.

 

_08:05 am_

I mean it's OK if you say no. You can keep on using the same toothbrush. I mean you don't even have to keep one at my place.

 

_8:06 am_

Sorry, I am just rambling on now.

 

_8:07 am_

OK, first post mortem of the day is here. Fresh out of the bag.

 

_8:08 am_

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:18 am_

You weren't here when I woke up.

 

_9:19 am_

You weren't in bed with me.

 

_9:19 am_

You weren't anywhere.

 

_9: 20 am_

I didn't remember you worked today.

 

_9:20 am_

Why didn't you wake me to have breakfast with you and walk you to the tube?

 

_9:21 am_

I didn't even notice when you got up.

 

_9:22 am_

I'm not used to sleeping this much, or this soundly.

 

_9:23 am_

Why didn't you wake me up?

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:30 am_

Sorry, I thought I had mentioned yesterday I was working a shift today.

 

_10:31 am_

You were out like a light when I woke up. You didn't even flinch, and I can be messy and clutzy and noisy in the morning. You slept through it all.

 

_10:32 am_

I didn't want to disturb you. You looked so peaceful. I thought I'd let you get some rest. I know you didn't sleep much during the night, you just lay awake there holding me. I thought you'd fallen asleep a little before my alarm went off, I didn't want to wake you up.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:33 am_

I worried when I saw you weren't in bed with me.

 

_10:34 am_

And then I got up and you weren't in the flat either.

 

_10:35 am_

Then I found the magnetic schedule you have on the refrigerator door and it said you worked a shift today.

 

_10:36 am_

I didn't memorize the schedule beforehand.

 

_10:37 am_

I always miss something.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:40 am_

It's OK, you didn't have to know. I should have mentioned I was working this weekend. I wasn't supposed to, but a coworker asked me to change weekends so she could make it to her niece's wedding.

 

_10:43 am_

Sorry I didn't tell you yesterday. And sorry I didn't wake you up this morning.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:45 am_

Molly, you have nothing to be sorry for.

 

_10:45 am_

I should have deducted that you had gone into work.

 

_10:46 am_

I let emotions cloud my deducting skills.

 

_10:47 am_

You weren't there and I panicked.

 

_10:48 am_

I thought that perhaps it was all part of the game.

 

_10:48 am_

Make me see _it,_ feel _it_ , understand how incomprehensibly complex _it is_  to then snatch it away from me violently the moment I lay down my arms and surrender to _it._

 

_10:50 am_

To you.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:51 am_

Are you talking about your sister?

 

_10:52 am_

About Eurus?

 

_10:53 am_

When you woke up and you didn't find me, were you scared she had done something to me?

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:54 am_

Yes.

 

_10:55 am_

There weren't any explosives in the apartment at the time of the phone call.

 

_10:55 am_

It was a mind game.

 

_10:55 am_

It was all a mind game.

 

_10:56 am_

She wanted to burn the heart out of me.

 

_10:57 am_

She saw what I never did until she forced me to acknowledge something that had always been there but that I had chosen to block.

 

_10:57 am_

Just like I’d blocked her.

 

_10:57 am_

Just like I’d blocked Victor.

 

_10:58 am_

It was all about emotion, she said.

 

_10:58 am_

She believes I’ve always been the emotional one.

 

_10:59 am_

She made me realize that she was right. That it was true.

 

_11:00 am_

She wasn't going to hurt you physically.

 

_11:01 am_

I didn’t know that at the time, of course.

 

_11:02 am_

She made me think she’d kill you if I didn’t get you to say _it_ in three minutes or less.

 

_11:02 am_

As Mycroft has probably told you, five people died that day because of her.

 

_11:03 am_

I had no reason whatsoever to believe she’d hesitate to hurt you.

 

_11:03 am_

And in fact, she did not.

 

_11:04 am_

She didn’t hesitate at all.

 

_11:06 am_

She gave me the weapon and made me hurt you myself, made me do it myself.

 

_11:06 am_

Every wound she made me inflict upon you in those three minutes, I felt it in my flesh and bones. All those little emotions that I had managed to keep hidden and forgotten and controlled for such a long time, all of them I felt in those three minutes.

 

_11:10 am_

It felt like vivisection.

 

_11:11 am_

She called it an 'easy task’ but it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

 

_11:11 am_

But I survived.

 

_11:12 am_

We survived it, and then when I got back to London five days ago we started to heal together.

 

_11:15 am_

I started to heal because of you. I started to heal the moment you asked me over for tea, and tended to the bruises and cuts in my hands, and then you kissed them and took them in yours, and cradled me in your arms and never let go.

 

_11:15 am_

Physical contact with you makes me feel a sense of peace that I had never known or experienced sober.

 

_11:16 am_

Everything goes quiet in my mind and I let go.

 

_11:17 am_

You lower my defenses but make me feel safe.

 

_11:18 am_

It is the most wonderful, contradictory thing and it is way beyond my knowledge, it seems.

 

_11:19 am_

But you have no idea how much I need it.

 

_11:20 am_

You.

 

_11:20 am_

I need you.

 

_11:21 am_

Every time. Always.

 

_11:21 am_

It was always you.

 

_11:21 am_

It’s always been you.

 

_11:22 am_

I know it now.

 

_11:24 am_

I have you now, after all the years I spent hurting you and pushing you away, making harsh remarks, taking advantage of you and bleeding you dry, acting so selfishly, so carelessly. I always had you but I never cared, and now it’s the thing I care about the most.

 

_11:25 am_

I was so careless with the care of your heart, Molly.

 

_11:25 am_

I took my time realizing that you were the one that always counted, the one that mattered the most.

 

_11:28 am_

And now I know you are even so much more than that. You are this incomprehensibly complex element I can’t get enough of, and that I want to get high on, and that I want to get drowned in.

 

_11:30 am_

Five days ago I didn’t even imagine it, and now it’s all I can think about.

 

_11:30 am_

It consumes me.

 

_11:31 am_

You consume me.

 

_11:32 am_

When I didn't see you this morning, I thought maybe what happened at Sherrinford wasn't the final game.

 

_11:34 am_

I thought that maybe this had been her plan all along. Make me come in contact with my feelings for you, become aware of how strong they are, and then take you away from me.

 

_11:37 am_

Just like she took Victor away when we were kids. Just like she wanted to take John away from me.

 

_11:38 am_

When I didn't see you my mind just jumped to the worst conclusion. For a moment I didn't think rationally. I lost all ability to deduce and observe. I just feared.

 

_11:40 am_

I never felt so exposed.

 

_11:40 am_

So human.

 

_11:41 am_

Then I realized you had gone into work.

 

_11:50_

I am sorry for the many texts you will have awaiting for you when you check your phone again at your lunchtime.

 

_11:52_

I am usually not like this.

 

_11:53 am_

But then it seems that when it comes to you I am full of first times.

 

_11:54_

When it comes to incomprehensibly complex elements you are my first everything.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_12:51 am_

I just finished reading all of your texts.

 

_12:52 am_

God, are you good at making me cry!

 

_12:53 am_

We can work through this.

 

_12:54 am_

I'll wake you up every morning, and you can have breakfast with me and then walk me to the tube if you want. I'll text you when I arrive at work if you want. I'll text you when my shift is over and then I'll let you know when I'm home safely. We'll do this for as long as you want, so you can know that I am fine. OK?

 

_12:56 am_

You survived Sherrinford. We survived that phone call. We'll survive this as well. Together, OK?

 

_12:57 am_

We are in this together. We are not alone anymore. We hold onto each other.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:00 pm_

OK.

 

_1:01 pm_

Can I pick you at Bart's when your shift is over?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:02 pm_

Of course you can. I get off at six.

 

_1:03 pm_

I am heading to Tesco now. Do you want the toothbrush?

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:05 pm_

We'll buy them together after I pick you up.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:06 pm_

Sure. It looked like they were well stocked.

 

_1:07 pm_

Are we sleeping together tonight?

 

_1:08 pm_

Sorry, that came out wrong.

 

_1:08 pm_

I mean do you want to sleep with me tonight?

 

_1:09 pm_

I meant just sleeping like we've been doing these last few days. I didn't mean anything sexual.

 

_1:10 pm_

Well, you know what I meant.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:11 pm_

I would like to hold you while you sleep tonight.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:12 pm_

I would like that very much as well.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:30 am_

John and I arrived safely at Brighton and we’ll be meeting with the client later today.

 

_9:32 am_

I can already tell that this will be a 6, and I am being optimistic. I’ll be lucky if it’s something worthy of being called at least a 5.

 

_9:33 am_

But the client is John’s acquaintance from when he was at medical school, and he says it is “important”.

 

_9:35 am_

Then again, what normal people think is a 10, John deems as an 8, and I find to be as boring and easy solved as a 4.

 

_9:37 am_

I’ll be back in London in two days, one if I can convince John not to accept any invitations from the client to spend the day at his beach house, half a day if I manage to make a deduction that reads as offensive for ordinary people and makes the client insist that we leave immediately after the case is solved without asking John to meet up for drinks and food at the local pub.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_9:38 am_

Please try not to say anything offensive to John’s friend.

 

_9:40 am_

I’m glad you made it there OK.

 

_9:41 am_

I remember the last time I visited Brighton. It was a little before my dad passed away.

 

_9:41 am_

We went to the pier.

 

_9:44 am_

It was a beautiful day and he said he’d had a great time. But I’ve always thought he’d pretended to be less tired, less physically and emotionally consumed by the cancer than he had really been.

 

_9:45 am_

Sorry, I shouldn’t have told you this.

 

_9:45 am_

You are on a case.

 

_9:45 am_

You’re busy.

 

_9:45 am_

This was years ago, anyway.

 

_9:46 am_

I’m always over sharing, sorry.

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:47 am_

That was the day you _saw_ him.

 

_9:47 am_

The day you saw what everyone else didn’t.

 

_9:47 am_

What everyone else failed to see.

 

_9:48 am_

He thought no one was seeing him, but you were.

 

_9:49 am_

Your father used to look sad when he thought no one was seeing him. But you saw him. You were always seeing him.

 

_9:50 am_

You saw his sadness that day.

 

_9:50 am_

Just like you’ve seen mine many times.

 

_9:51 am_

You could see him and you can see me.

 

_9:51 am_

And don’t tell me you didn’t count back then or that you don’t count now.

 

_9:52 am_

You always count. You always matter.

 

_9:52 am_

So please don’t apologize for sharing this with me.

 

_9:53 am_

I promise you, this matters to me. You matter to me. I care.

 

_9:53 am_

I should be the one to apologize for all the times my behaviour led you to believe that I don’t care, when the truth is that I do. I care very much.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_9:55 am_

But you are on a case and I am bothering you with text messages.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:55 am_

You are not.

 

_9:55 am_

I texted you first.

 

_9:56 am_

I haven’t stopped texting you for the past half an hour.

 

_9:58 am_

I talked to John about this on the train ride, about us and our texting and me being away for the first time since _this_ constant interaction between us began last week, and he said that before shutting off completely because I’m on a case I should text you and let you know that I will become unavailable and therefore you shouldn’t expect me to reply to your texts immediately.

 

_10:00 am_

As you may have noticed, I have not sent you such a text yet.

 

_10:00 am_

I have begun the texting myself today, and I am still texting you.

 

_10:01 am_

And I am doing so because I want to, Molly.

 

_10:01 am_

When the time comes, I will let you know beforehand not to expect immediate replies from me.

 

_10:02 am_

Is this OK with you?

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:02 am_

Yes, of course it is.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:03 am_

You do the same when you are at work, you know? That’s where I got the idea from, and when I ran it by John, he said it was OK to propose this.

 

_10:04 am_

You always let me know when you are about to start an autopsy so I know I don’t have to expect immediate replies from you because you will be busy with work and won’t be able to reply to my texts right away.

 

_10:05 am_

It’ll be the same with me when I’m on cases.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:05 am_

It works perfectly fine with me.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:06 am_

It’s settled, then.

 

_10:06 am_

So, you were telling me about your visit to Brighton Pier with your father a couple of years ago.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:07 am_

Yes, some months before he passed away.

 

_10:07 am_

Pancreatic cancer.

 

_10:07 am_

And then it went to his bones.

 

_10:08 am_

And by the end it was also in his lungs.

 

_10:08 am_

It all happened so quickly.

 

_10:09 am_

He was diagnosed in late April, and he died in late January the following year.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:10 am_

I am sorry.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:10 am_

He would have liked you.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:12 am_

Don’t lie to yourself, Molly. The man would have hated me.

 

_10:13 am_

I made his only daughter suffer from years, cry over me and my cruelness so many times and for so many different reasons she must have lost count.

 

_10:15 am_

I’m an arrogant, selfish bastard that isn’t foreign to heroin and cocaine. I haven’t been able to stay sober for period of times longer than three years. Anyone with a basic knowledge of drug addiction and self-destructive behaviour would expect me to relapse.

 

_10:16 am_

I am insensitive, inconsiderate, rude. I lack people skills. I am a highly functioning sociopath.

 

_10:16 am_

Not to mention I don’t have a fixed income and my job is, at best, unconventional.

 

_10:17 am_

So no, your father would have hated that his only daughter fell in love with the likes of me.

 

_10:17 am_

If only because he would have wanted what’s best for you, and technically I am too far from that.

 

_10:18 am_

You deserve so much better, and so much more.

 

_10:18 am_

And yet even though I know that I want to keep you all to myself.

 

_10:18 am_

See what I told you? Selfish bastard.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:20 am_

I am selfish as well, you know?

 

_10:20 am_

I want you all to myself, too.

 

_10:21 am_

Sherlock, you are so much more than your drug addiction. So much more than your flaws.

 

_10:21 am_

I don't want you in spite of them. I want you _with them._

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:21 am_

You just want me?

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:21 am_

You know I more than just want you.

  


_10:22 am_

Don’t focus only on the bad things people say about you, Sherlock.

 

_10:22 am_

You really are so much more than that.

 

_10:23 am_

Remember, I can see you.

 

_10:23 am_

And these past few days I’ve been so happy with what I’ve seen.

 

_10:24 am_

Listen, a Mrs. Joanna Leber is here, and she’s waiting for me to crack her head open and see about the stroke that did her in.

 

_10:24 am_

So I have to go now.

 

_10:24 am_

Text me whenever you want, and I’ll reply when I can.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:25 am_

Can you save me some brain tissue for when I go back home?

  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:25 am_

I’ll try my best.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:10 am_

Meeting with the client now, won’t probably be paying much attention to the phone.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_1:10 pm_

Going out on my lunchbreak. Have fun and be safe!

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_3:32 pm_

The case is a 4 at best. What a waste of time, really!

 

_3:34 pm_

Just wanted to let you know that I would appreciate it if you let me know when you arrive home from work.

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_4:01 pm_

Sorry the case is so boring.

 

_4:01 pm_

No problem, I’ll let you know.

 

_6:54 pm_

I’m home.

  
  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_8:14 pm_

Case solved.

 

_8:14 pm_

Client is driving us back to London.

 

_8:15 pm_

Least he could do, really.

 

_8:16 pm_

Can I sleep with you tonight?

  
  


**Molly Hooper**

_8:17 pm_

Always.

 

_8:18 pm_

I’ll save you some dinner in case you are hungry.

 

_8:19 pm_

And I have the sample you asked for. Perhaps it will make up for the boring day you had.

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_8:22 pm_

That’s my pathologist.


	9. Chapter 9

**Molly Hooper**

_7:58 am_

I just arrived at work.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_7:59 am_

Your cat is staring at me.

 

_7:59 am_

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_8:01 am_

He is not staring at you.

 

_8:01 am_

He is just sleepy.

 

_8:02 am_

He's used to sleeping in my bed when I'm not home.

 

_8:03 am_

He won't care that you're in the bed. He won't care that you want to have a lie-in. He wants to have a lie-in, too.

 

_8:04 am_

He probably wants you to scratch him behind the ears. He likes that when he's sleepy.

 

_8:05 am_

You don't have to do that if you don't want to, of course.

 

_8:06 am_

If he bothers you, you can take him to the guest bedroom and he can sleep in the bed there. Or you can take him to the living room and place him on the couch, he loves the couch.

 

_8:07 am_

If he doesn't bother you, then you can have a lie-in together.

 

_8:07 am_

He is very well behaved and affectionate. And even if you don't feel like giving him cuddles, he'll love to just hang out with you, no physical contact whatsoever.

 

_8:08 am_

But then again, whether he stays or goes to the living room or the guest room is up to you.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_8:10 am_

He is very important to you, isn't he?

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_8:11 am_

Yes, he is.

 

_8:12 am_

As are you.

 

_8:12 am_

I mean, not that I am comparing you to my cat.

 

_8:13 am_

I mean, I care about you both.

 

_8:13 am_

God, why must I be so socially awkward?

 

_8:14 am_

I have a Mr. Franklin waiting for me here now.

 

_8:14 am_

Try to tolerate Toby.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_8:15 am_

If Mr. Franklin can spare one if his feet, and I believe that he can, I am in need of one for an experiment on footprints and octopus ink that I would like to conduct. I would very much appreciate it if you could present me with it.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:18 am_

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease

 

_10:20 am_

I can't get you Mr. Franklin's foot because sadly he was not only an avid smoker but also a diabetic. I'll try to get you a nice set of feet from a Mr. Sullivan that I have coming up next, though.

 

_10:22 am_

How are you and Toby getting along? Did he go to the guest room or the couch?

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:29 am_

Interesting creatures, cats. I've been researching about them. Quite a lot of fascinating curiosities to read. Did you know they make about 100 different sounds? They also can hear high-frequency sounds up to two octaves higher than a human. Isn't that amazing?

 

_10:33 am_

I've also learned today that a cat’s brain is biologically more similar to a human brain than it is to a dog’s. Both humans and cats have identical regions in their brains that are responsible for emotions.

 

_10:34 am_

I don't think you could provide me with the brain of a cat, but I do know someone that can and he owes me. You can, however, provide me with a human brain.

 

_10:37 am_

I'm also very interested in their “righting reflex.” Some cats have survived falls from very tall heights thanks to it. The eyes and balance organs in the inner ear tell a cat where it is in space so it can land on its feet. It is worthy of comparison to the human vestibular system. I wonder if this person I know could also provide me with a cat’s inner ear. It'd be very helpful if you could give me a human one.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:40 am_

A fan now, are we?

 

_10:40 am_

Sherlock, please don't make any experiments or run any tests on Toby.

 

_10:41 am_

Please.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:43 am_

I would never consider that a possibility, Molly. He is your cat. I want to conduct experiment on organs and body parts from random dead cats whose former owners are totally unknown to me. I would never do anything to your cat.

 

_10:44 am_

I do like to observe him, though. I hope that it's OK with you.

 

_10:45 am_

I've taken several notes today already.

 

_10:45 am_

Fascinating creature of habit he is.

 

_10:46 am_

On average, cats spend two thirds of every day sleeping.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:47 am_

I know. They like to sleep a lot.

 

_10:48 am_

I am glad you enjoy observing Toby and making notes on his behaviour and habits.

 

_10:48 am_

I am more than OK with you observing him and studying what he does.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:51 am_

Take a look at what I found: “The ability of a cat to find its way home is called _psi-traveling_. Experts think cats either use the angle of the sunlight to find their way or that cats have magnetized cells in their brains that act as compasses.”

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:52 am_

You definitely aren't testing that on Toby. Ever.

 

 

 **Sherl** **ock Holmes**

_10:53 am_

Molly, I already promised to you that I wouldn't test or experiment anything on Toby.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:00 am_

Have to cut this one open now, talk to you later.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:35 am_

The anatomy of Toby and his breed is very interesting. Check this out: “A cat’s back is extremely flexible because it has up to 53 loosely fitting vertebrae. Humans only have 24.”

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:03 pm_

You weren't so taken with him when you stayed with me after… well, you know. You didn't mind him much back then.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:05 pm_

It is fair to say I had other things in my mind at the time.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:06 pm_

You're right, sorry.

 

_1:06 pm_

That was very stupid of me to say. Sorry.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:07 pm_

Stop calling yourself and what you say 'stupid’, Molly Hooper.

 

_1:12 pm_

I care about Toby now because you care about him and I care about you. I have been sleeping over at your house for six days straight now, and he lives here. John says I should try and develope some sort of bond with him. I researched about cats and what I found made me very interested in them. When something interests me, I usually become _obsessed_ with it, as you may very well know. Toby is now interesting to me, and I am glad I decided to educate myself on cats in order to understand yours better, because I learned that they are fascinating creatures worth minding scientifically-wise. So as John put it when I texted him about it, it's a win-win-win situation: I now find cats a companion worthy of us humans, Toby has another human to care for him, and you can rest assured that your boyfriend won't be complaining about your beloved pet.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:13 pm_

Do you mean it?

 

 

 **Sher** **lock Holmes**

_1:14 pm_

Of course I do. I already told you plenty of things I find interesting about cats. The list is longer, I can tell you more if you want.

 

_1:15 pm_

Did you know that approximately half of cat owners think their pets possess the ability to read their minds?

 

_1:15 pm_

It wouldn’t surprise me, really, since approximately one third of the people I meet suspect the same about me.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:16 pm_

Did you actually mean to call yourself my boyfriend?

 

_1:16 pm_

Did you mean that?

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:17 pm_

I should have taken into consideration that you, like me, could also deem the term ‘boyfriend’ a little bit juvenile. My apologies. Do you favor the option ‘significant other’ more? ‘Life partner’, perhaps? I am fine with whichever one you choose, although I must say that I myself have already accepted that we would be referring to each other as ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ and made my peace with it.

 

_1:18 pm_

We can go with whatever term you choose and feel comfortable with.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:18 pm_

I am not uncomfortable with the term.

 

_1:19 pm_

I like that you think of myself as your girlfriend.

 

_1:20 pm_

Or life partner.

 

_1:20 pm_

Or significant other.

 

_1:20 pm_

Or whatever you choose to call me.

 

_1:21 pm_

You have no idea how happy it makes me that you want to call me any of those things.

 

_1:21 pm_

That you think of me as any of those things.

 

_1:21 pm_

God, I’m rambling again.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:22 pm_

Yes, well, calling you ‘the woman I have strong, deep feelings for and that matters to me the most and with whom I’ve been sharing a bed and cuddling for the past few nights’ seemed rather long to me, don’t you think?

 

_1:23 pm_

Molly, I know we haven’t been physically intimate yet in the way couples usually are.

 

_1:23 pm_

I know that so far now there’ve only been two pecks on the lips, and the first one last night was because of a miscalculation on both our parts when we were just kissing around the other’s face.

 

_1:24 pm_

And I know the second one this morning before you went down the tube station was quick, and unexpected, and awkward, although I don’t regret initiating it.

 

_1:25 pm_

But please know that I am trying to pursue a romantic relationship with you, Molly Hooper. One that makes you happy. Because most of all I still believe that you deserve to be very happy.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:30 pm_

Sherlock, I am in no rush for things to get more physical than they’ve been so far. It’s only been six days, and we’ve both been going through all circles of hell these past couple of months, with Mary’s death and everything that came after it.

 

_1:31 pm_

We cuddle, you play with my hair, you kiss me around the face all the time, we hold hands in our sleep. Do you not think that all of that is a form of intimacy? The way you cradle me in your arms and stay all night holding me even if you’re not sleeping yourself? How you lace your fingers with mine when we watch telly or when I’m eating dinner? That you walk me to the tube every morning?

 

_1:33 pm_

That is _intimate_ , Sherlock.

 

_1:33 pm_

I don’t mind waiting until you feel comfortable with snogging or getting more physical.

 

_1:33 pm_

I don’t mind waiting for sex.

 

_1:34 pm_

I already told you: you have all of my time, you have _me._

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:34 pm_

I would like for the kissing to continue.

 

_1:34 pm_

Today when you come home.

 

_1:35 pm_

Your home, I mean.

 

_1:35 pm_

Today when you come to your home after work, I would like to kiss you all over your face repeatedly, and on the lips as well.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:36 pm_

I would like that very much, too.

 

_1:36 pm_

And Sherlock, you can call this your home, too.

 

_1:37 pm_

I know it’s not Baker Street.

 

_1:37 pm_

But if you want to, you can call it your home for the time being.

 

_1:37 pm_

And for as long as you want.

 

_1:38 pm_

I know it’s not the same, but still.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:39 pm_

Of course it’s not the same as Baker Street.

 

_1:39 pm_

Your home has _you_ in it.

 

_1:40 pm_

Look at this picture I found.

 

_1:42 pm_

__

It's from one of the sites where I’ve been researching about cats. I thought you’d like it because of the uncanny resemblance to both of us. One cat has dark fur, I have dark hair. The other one has light fur, and your hair is lighter than mine.

 

_1:42 pm_

And the way they’re sleeping, they just reminded me of us.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:44 pm_

I have to go slice up a corpse now but I want you to know one thing.

 

_1:44 pm_

At the risk of boosting up your ego so much your head won’t be fitting through the door: sometimes you don’t give yourself enough credit, Sherlock.

 

_1:45 pm_

And just like that one time at Christmas that I called you off for saying horrible things to me, you must know that you also can say things so beautiful they give me butterflies in my stomach.

 

_1:46 pm_

I don’t mind if you don’t get the saying, it is a good thing that you make me feel that, believe me.

 

_1:46 pm_

Like I already told you: I don’t care how long it takes us to start snogging until we’re breathless. I don’t care how long it gets us to have sex.

 

_1:47 pm_

I’m here.

 

_1:47 pm_

I’ll be here.

 

_1:48 pm_

You have me.

 

_1:48 pm_

I am yours.

 

_1:50 pm_

I have all the patience in the world when it comes to you, you must have realized that by now, I think. Anyone with half your brain would have realized that by now, so I think you have probably realized it before I did.

 

_1:51 pm_

Remember we’re playing this by ear, we set our own pace. We are following our own rhythm. No one rushes us. It’s OK, it’s been less than a week, no one is pressuring us. OK? We already talked about this, we’re taking this step by step.

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:52 pm_

OK

 

_1:53 pm_

One more thing: did you know that cats spend nearly two thirds of their waking hours cleaning themselves?

 

_2:00 pm_

Oh, and another thing I forgot to mention before.

 

_2:00 pm_

I’m yours, too.


	10. Chapter 10

**Molly Hooper**

_1:12 pm_

Sorry I missed your call!

 

_1:12 pm_

I was having my lunch break with Maggie, my friend from college.

 

_1:13 pm_

Remember I told you yesterday that she moved back to London only recently? Well, she didn’t come back alone!

 

_1:13 pm_

__

Meet my new friend Arnold!

_1:38 pm_

Sherlock, what’s wrong?

_1:40 pm_

You don’t leave my messages as “read” anymore.

_1:40 pm_

At least you haven’t been doing that since…, well, since you know what.

_1:41 pm_

Are you busy?

_1:42 pm_

Are you on a case?

_1:43 pm_

Am I bothering you?

_1:43 pm_

Am I being annoying?

_1:55 pm_

OK, I get it.

_1:55 pm_

I’ll stop bothering you now.

_2:00 pm_

I just want you to know that I am worried, and that I’m here whenever you do want to talk to me, OK?

_2:01 pm_

I’ll stop sending you annoying texts now.

_2:01 pm_

Please stay safe.

_2:02 pm_

And talk to John if you need anything.

_2:03 pm_

I mean, you can always talk to me.

_2:03 pm_

It just seems that you don’t want to at the moment.

_2:03 pm_

It’s OK.

_2:04 pm_

Please if you need anything, please reach out to John or Mrs. Hudson, OK?

_2:04 pm_

Or to whomever you think would be best to help you.

_2:05 pm_

But please, whatever it is that it’s happening, please reach out for help.

_2:06 pm_

I will stop sending you messages now.

_5:56 pm_

John told me you’re at his house and that you’ve been in your Mind Palace for quite some time now, so I know that you are safe.

_5:58 pm_

OK, sorry, I promise this is my last message.

_6:05 pm_

Sorry I texted John asking after you, but I was very worried and my other option was to text Mycroft and I don’t think you would have ever forgiven me if I’d done that.

_6:07 pm_

OK, this is really my last text now.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:02 pm_

It went to voicemail

_10:02 pm_

When I called you earlier today.

_10:03 pm_

It went to voicemail like it did that day when she made me call you.

_10:07 pm_

I knew you’d be meeting with your friend for lunch at that place near Bart’s that you like. But I thought I could reach you on your phone before you left the morgue to tell you about the experiment I am doing on the feet you brought me. I prefer texting to making phone calls, but since you were going to meet with your friend I thought it'd be quicker if I called you, I'd take up less of your time before you got together with her.

_10:08 pm_

But it went to voicemail.

_10:09 pm_

Yes, the logical explanation would have been that you were already with your friend so you weren’t paying attention to your phone. I know that. I knew you were with your friend.

_10:09 pm_

But the memories of that day started flooding my brain and I shut off.

_10:10 pm_

I could have lost you less than two weeks ago, Molly.

_10:10 pm_

I almost lost you.

_10:10 pm_

I can’t believe I almost lost you.

_10:11 pm_

When I heard your voicemail greeting that day the blood froze in my veins and I swear that my heart stopped beating.

_10:12 pm_

“ _Hi, this is Molly at the dead centre of town! Leave a message._ ”

_10:13 pm_

Only you would have chosen such a voicemail greeting.

_10:13 pm_

How I cursed your sense of humor at that moment, Molly Hooper.

_10:14 pm_

Always talking about death as if it were nothing.

_10:15 pm_

And why wouldn’t you? You are so practical about death, after all.

_10:16 pm_

I am sorry, it is me who is rambling on now.

_10:16 pm_

I just wanted to explain and apologize for going into full buffering mood and shutting off completely.

_10:17 pm_

I am deeply sorry I let my emotions get the best of me and made you worry.

_10:20 pm_

Please understand that dealing with these complex elements called human emotions still is something very new to me, an ability that was dormant within me until a week and a half ago and that it was awaken abruptly and in a rather violent fashion when I destroyed a coffin with my bare hands because I had been made to believe that I’d have to use it to bury you.

_10:21 pm_

I know it’s not an excuse.

_10:21 pm_

But it’s the truth.

 

_10:24 pm_

All those flashbacks were a lot to process and I couldn’t take it. I had to shut off because so far it’s the only way I know how to deal with the incomprehensible complexity of emotions that your beloved Chekhov talks about.

 

_10:25 pm_

I promise to try and do better next time.

 

_10:26 pm_

And please don’t ever think your texts bother me. They never do. You never bother me. And I’ll always want to reach out to you for help. You always, always have been, the person that matters the most.

 

_10:34 pm_

You must be sleeping now, but I hope we can talk properly tomorrow.

 

_10:35 pm_

Sleep well, my Molly.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:49 pm_

I’m not sleeping.

 

_10:50 pm_

__

I am on the couch cuddling with Toby.

_10:52 pm_

I wasn't paying attention to my phone on purpose because I didn't want to give in and text you.

_10:53 pm_

I didn't want to bother you.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:54 pm_

Molly you never bother me. You are never a bother.

_10:54 pm_

I am sorry about today.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:55 pm_

Please don’t be.

_10:56 pm_

I am sorry about that stupid voicemail greeting.

_10:56 pm_

I am sorry I didn’t pick up the phone the first time you called that day.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:57 pm_

Molly, you have nothing to be sorry for.

_10:57 pm_

Please don’t apologize to me for things that are not your fault.

_10:59 pm_

What happened today wasn’t your fault. You were with a friend that you hadn’t seen in a long time.

_11:00 pm_

I knew that.

_11:03 pm_

But just like the other day when I woke up and you had gone to work, I stopped thinking rationally and I allowed panic to overtake me. By the time I had finally processed all that I was feeling, several hours had passed since your first text.

_11:04 pm_

But it is not your fault at all, Molly.

_11:05 pm_

It’s not your fault you didn’t pick up the phone that day.

_11:06 pm_

How many times have I not picked up the phone when you, John, or Lestrade were calling me?

_11:07 pm_

It’s not your fault that my sister played with my heart, with you, like that.

_11:08 pm_

It’s not your fault that she tore me open and vivisected me.

_11:09 pm_

Molly, none of this is your fault.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:10 pm_

I’m sorry about everything that has happened, Sherlock.

_11:11 pm_

I am so sorry you are hurting this badly.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:12 pm_

Don’t be sorry.

_11:12 pm_

If anything be glad that you make it better.

_11:13 pm_

You make me better.

_11:13 pm_

You are my antidote to everything, Molly Hooper.

_11:14 pm_

You’ve saved me from death and from myself more times than I can count.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:15 pm_

I’ll save you every time.

_11:15 pm_

Just tell me what you need and I’ll save you every time.

_11:15 pm_

Always.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:16 pm_

I just need you.

_11:16 pm_

Can I ask you something?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:16 pm_

Anything.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:18 pm_

When I didn’t answer to your texts today and you told me to reach out to John if I needed help, you were worried I had relapsed, weren’t you?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:19 pm_

Yes, I was.

_11:19 pm_

I’m sorry.

_11:20 pm_

The worst case scenarios came to my mind.

_11:21 pm_

I just couldn’t help it.

_11:22 pm_

I’m sorry.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:22 pm_

Don’t be sorry.

_11:23 pm_

You thought what everyone else would have thought.

_11:24 pm_

Given my history with substance abuse and the most recent events, it was only logical for you to think that I had shot up.

_11:24 pm_

But I need you to know something.

_11:25 pm_

It never crossed my mind.

_11:25 pm_

Shooting up didn’t cross my mind today.

_11:26 pm_

I told you I wouldn’t do anything that could hurt you, and I won’t.

_11:26 pm_

I’m keeping that promise because I want to keep you.

_11:27 pm_

And I know that the moment I take drugs again you’ll leave, and I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you.

_11:27 pm_

So please do not worry about me relapsing because I have something better, something stronger to keep me going and away from heroin and cocaine.

_11:28 pm_

I have you.

_11:28 pm_

The calm, the quiet, the peace of mind that drugs give me, you give me all that and more.

_11:29 pm_

I wouldn’t risk hurting you or losing you.

_11:30 pm_

I won’t play dice with your heart.

_11:30 pm_

Do you believe me, Molly?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:31 pm_

I do.

_11:31 pm_

I believe you.

_11:33 pm_

God, right now I wish I could hold you and never let go.

_11:33 pm_

Take all the pain away.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:36 pm_

“ _I'd never let you go if you promised not to fade away._ ”

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:36 on_

You know Muse?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:36 am_

I know you like that song. You were humming it one day at the morgue while you worked on a body.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:38 am_

What else do you know about me that I don't even imagine you know, Sherlock Holmes?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:39 pm_

I know you are my salvation, Molly Hooper.

_11:40 pm_

Promise me you'll never fade away.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:41 pm_

I won't. Never.

_11:41 pm_

Do you promise that you won't let go?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:42 pm_

I won't let go.


	11. Chapter 11

**Molly Hooper**

_8:03 am_

Thank you for this morning.

 

_8:03 am_

For everything.

 

_8:04 am_

For showing up at my place with breakfast.

 

_8:04 am_

For the good morning kisses.

 

_8:04 am_

And walking me to the tube.

 

_8:05 am_

And riding the tube with me hand in hand.

 

_8:05 am_

And the goodbye kisses at the tube station.

 

_8:06 am_

Everything.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:12 am_

You’re welcome.

 

_10:12 am_

Sorry for the delay in my reply. I was distracted.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:19 am_

Don’t worry.

 

_10:20 am_

Potentially interesting case?

 

_10:21 am_

I was distracted with a post mortem myself. Robert Miller. Car accident. Blunt head trauma.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:30 am_

Blunt head traumas are boring.

 

_10:31 am_

No case.

 

_10:32 am_

I was cataloguing our kisses in my Mind Palace.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:36 am_

You have a room for our kisses in your Mind Palace?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:37 am_

Of course I do. I have rooms for everything that’s important.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:38 am_

And how is it like?

 

_10:40 am_

You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm only asking because I want to understand more of you and the way you see the world.

 

_10:41 am_

The way you see this.

 

_10:41 am_

The way you see us.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:43 am_

I don't mind you asking.

 

_10:44 am_

But I'm not sure I'll be able to explain.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:45 am_

It's OK.

 

_10:45 am_

You don't have to.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:46 am_

I want to.

 

_10:50 am_

It’s quiet and beautiful, and when I’m in there I can feel the pressure of your lips on mine, and I can taste the warmth and bittersweetness of your mouth in my mouth.

 

_10:51 am_

I’m not really sure if I know how to explain it properly.

 

_10:52 am_

But it’s better than other things I’ve tried.

 

_10:52 am_

It’s better than any other thing I have ever tried.

 

_10:54 am_

I don’t think I need to spell it out for you.

 

_10:55 am_

But in case I’m not making myself clear, what I am trying to say it’s that you’re better than drugs.

 

_10:55 am_

Your kisses are better than drugs.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:00 am_

The way you kissed me today, it was different.

 

_11:01 am_

Different than the other kisses we have shared so far, I mean.

 

_11:01 am_

I liked it.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:05 am_

I liked it, too.

 

_11:10 am_

I have been conducting a research on kissing. I have been reading a lot on the subject. Apparently it is something one can only understand through personal experience since the feelings awakened by kissing may vary from one person to another and depending on whom you are doing the kissing with.

 

_11:13 am_

I did learn that there are different types of kissing based on what the two parties do to each other with their mouths, lips, teeth and tongue, as I am sure you already know.

 

_11:15 am_

So far now we have only been dropping kisses around the other’s face until yesterday we started with chaste kisses. Those are the ones I call _she's the most beautiful thing that exists in the world_ kisses.

 

_11:22 am_

I am aware of beauty being a social construction, as I’m aware of there being other women that according to society’s beauty standards are considered much more attractive and sexually alluring than you are. But according to the construction of beauty that I have myself, you are the most beautiful thing that exists in this world, and I couldn’t care less about any other woman that is considered more beautiful by popular opinion. I have discovered that when I kiss all around your face -- your forehead, your cheeks, the tip of your nose, your eyelashes, your eyelids, your lips-- what I’m thinking is exactly that: _she’s the most beautiful thing that exists in the world_. “The world” in this particular case being, of course, my own personal world, not the planet Earth and life upon it.

 

_11:30 am_

And then there is the other type of kiss we’ve tried so far -- the single lip kiss, with our mouths partially open and my inner lip closing in on your bottom lip. As we nibbled and sucked gently and my hands cupped your face and you ran your fingers through my hair, all I could think about was “ _I want to get lost with her, in her, but I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to ever hurt her in the slightest, ever again._ ” So after conducting an extensive analysis in my Mind Palace I have concluded that this type of kiss should be called _if she’s the most beautiful thing that exists in my world then I should treat her exactly as that._

 

_11:32 am_

There are other types of kisses beside chaste and single lip, as you may very well know. I will be able to name them properly in my head in accordance to what I will have thought, felt and experienced once I have tried them with you.

 

_11:34 am_

What fascinates me more than any other thing is how the effectiveness in the repeating of the technique matters so little, for each kiss is completely different than the previous ones.

 

_11:34 am_

Kisses are never exactly the same.

 

_11:35 am_

The high is completely different each time. It’s always stronger, better. More addictive.

 

_11:36 am_

I may be addicted to your kisses, Molly Hooper.

 

_11:40 am_

But somehow I believe this addiction is not like the others I’ve suffered from. This one isn’t self destructive. It is consuming, intoxicating even, but in a way that doesn’t harm. It doesn’t hurt. It sooths and heals. An as addictions go, this one must be the most complex, contradictory one to have ever existed -- being addicted to the lips and taste and mouth of another person, and how it feels when they touch your own.

 

_11:43 am_

For someone that slapped me three times in a row for being high as a kite, you are the substance in my veins and in my lungs that I don't want to ever run out of.

 

_11:44 am_

A dam broke inside me the moment I destroyed that coffin with my bare hands. And all the emotions it was containing had your name, Molly Hooper.

 

_11:56 am_

And now there is a whole wing in my Mind Palace for our interactions. Our text messages, our hugs, our nights sleeping together, our touches, our body language, our caresses, our kisses, the looks that pass between us, and the little details like the sound of your breathing and your heartbeat and the lines in the palm of your hands that I could draw from memory, and your perfume so exquisite and so _you_ that I could single out each chemical component  if I tried but there would always be something else missing because there is an element that is so complex to understand and that I can't break apart to study properly, and that element is _you._  That element is what makes you _you_. The woman that matters the most. The one that always counted. The one I want and need desperately and can't be without.

 

_12:00 am_

All of that I had hidden somewhere inside my mind, brutally repressed. Some kind of self-protection mechanism that I was using unconsciously, if you ask me, because I've learned very early on that emotions can destroy you so easily if you allow them to control you.

 

_12:06 am_

But now that I feel, even though I know all that is at risk and how vulnerable it suddenly makes me, even though that, now that I feel I don't want to stop feeling.

 

_12:08 am_

I don't want to stop being human.

 

_12:08 am_

It is my condition as a human being with the capacity to feel emotion that allows me to get high from your kisses. If vulnerability is the price to pay, so be it. The more we kiss the more I need. The more we kiss the more I am convinced that I don't ever want to be emotionally deprived like I used to.

 

_12:10_

I'd rather have a heart that stands still because love terrifies it than pretend I don't have one at all.

 

_12:11 am_

I'd rather have you.

 

_12:11 am_

You are my heart, Molly Hooper.

 

_1:00 pm_

I did send all those messages to you, right? I didn't just type them up in my head and send them to my Mind Palace Molly while I sat here in full buffering mood staring at the wallflowers in John's living room.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:04 pm_

Yes, you did send them.

 

_1:05 pm_

Sorry, first I was elbows deep in a woman's torso.

 

_1:05 pm_

And then when I checked my phone and read your texts, well, they rendered me speechless.

 

_1:06 pm_

You say the sweetest things to me, Sherlock.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:06 pm_

It's good to know I don't always say horrible things.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:08 pm_

Can I share something with you?

 

_1:10 pm_

I don't have a Mind Palace. I don't know what it is exactly like or how it works, I don't think my mind would ever be able to come up with such an elaborated structure. Mind Palaces are more for brilliant, gifted people like yourself.

 

_1:10 pm_

But I do have a good memory, and I have memories I don't wish to ever erase.

 

_1:11 pm_

Our kisses I don't want to ever forget.

 

_1:11 pm_

Every taste, every brush of lips.

 

_1:15 pm_

Your _she's the most beautiful thing that exists in the world_ kisses to me taste like _I feel so safe with him._ And this morning's kisses tasted like _I want to get lost with him and I don't care if I'm never found._

 

_1:16 pm_

I can't say that I know what it is like to be an addict, because I would be lying if I did. But I do know one thing: every time we've kissed I've felt that I don't ever want to go another day in my life without your kisses. I don't even want to go the rest of today without your kisses.

 

_1:17 pm_

So maybe I am a little bit addicted to your kisses too, Sherlock.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:25 pm_

I would like to pick you up at Bart's at 6 when your shift ends and spend the rest of the evening out with you engaging in some shared activity that is interesting and satisfying for the both of us. I was thinking a walk around Hyde Park would be a good idea for several reasons: I can watch people and make deductions, we can hold hands and kiss as much as we want since small, innocent displays of affection aren't frowned upon in open, public spaces like a park. I can ask Mrs. Hudson to lend me a blanket and a picnic basket, so we could eat sandwiches (Angelo makes the best chicken parmesan sandwiches you'll eat anywhere) and afterwards we could stargaze. I know you like stargazing. I don't care for stargazing much myself, so please notice that I am letting you know in advance that while you do the stargazing I will be watching you.

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:30 pm_

Are you asking me out on a date, Sherlock?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:31 pm_

I don't like the term 'dating’. I don't do 'dates’. You are my favorite person to spend time with and I prefer to be in your company than to be in anyone else’s, and I would like it very much if we spent our evening together at Hyde Park doing the aforementioned things I planned.

 

_1:32 pm_

Unless you preferred some other activity like having dinner at a restaurant and watching a movie, but I thought the park and the picnic and the stargazing would be more suited to your likings. Was I wrong?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:36 pm_

You weren't wrong.

 

_1:37 pm_

I don't like eating out at restaurants, I feel uncomfortable and out of place.

 

_1:38 pm_

Your plan is so much better than dinner and a movie, and of course I would love to do all that with you when my shift ends.

 

_1:39 pm_

But just so you know, whether you do dates or not, you are totally asking me out on one.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:43 pm_

Do you all have to keep on calling it that?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:44 pm_

Did John also call it a date?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:45 pm_

Yes.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:45 pm_

That's because it is a date, Sherlock.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:46 pm_

Can we call it something else?

 

_1:47 pm_

Can't it just be spending time alone together outside of your flat?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:48 pm_

Pick me up at 6 at Bart's and we'll have our first official spending time alone together outside of my flat.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_3:03 pm_

Molly I hope you don't take my aversion to the term 'dating’ as some sign that I don't care about you or about our emotional relationship.

 

_3:03 pm_

Because I do. I do care.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_3:06 pm_

I know you do, Sherlock. I know you care.

 

_3:08 pm_

I already told you: you don't have to be anyone but yourself. If 'dating’ or 'girlfriend and boyfriend’ are terms that you are not comfortable with, if there aren't any socially accepted terms that you are comfortable with, then we'll make and use our own.

 

_3:13 pm_

I'll be your Molly and you'll be my Sherlock and we'll spend time in my flat and some days we will spend time outside my flat, and there will be kissing and snuggling and sleeping in each other's arms, and you walking me to the tube in the mornings, and me playing with your hair while we watch telly. And eventually, once things have progressed more and we both feel ready, there will be sex. Or we'll make love. Or we'll have intercourse. Whatever you want to call it, it's fine with me. Really. I just want you to know you can be yourself with me. You don't have to pretend to be anyone else. I want you, Sherlock. Just you.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_3:28 pm_

I like the idea of simply calling you my Molly. It suits the role you play in my life so much better. You are so much more than a 'girlfriend’. You mean so much more to me, and our relationship is deeper, richer.

 

_3:29 pm_

You are my Molly and I'm your Sherlock. No one else would do. No one else could be my Molly.

 

_3:30 pm_

I love these new terms you have suggested Molly, they are perfect. It's brilliant.

 

_3:31 pm_

Of course I wouldn't expect anything from you to be other than brilliant. You are brilliant yourself. One of the reasons you are my Molly.

 

_3:48 pm_

So I'll pick you up at 6, OK?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_3:56 pm_

OK.

 

_4:34 pm_

Sherlock?

 

_4:34 pm_

You have no idea how happy it makes me that you're taking me out on this spending time together outside of my flat thing.

 

_4:37 pm_

It's silly, I know.

 

_4:38 pm_

But in case you were having any doubts, I want you to know that whatever we call this or each other, it makes me happy.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_4:45 pm_

I never thought it'd come the day I'd make another person happy.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_4:49 pm_

You make me happy.

 

_4:51 pm_

Oh, by the way, I don't remember if I already told you. I think I forgot to mention it. I changed my voicemail greeting.

 

_4:52 pm_

Now it's “ _Hi, this is Molly. Pathologist, fairy godmother, cat owner, dog botherer and avid reader. Leave a message._ ”

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_5:00 pm_

You didn't have to.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_5:12 pm_

I wanted to.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_5:16 pm_

Thank you, Molly.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_5:18 pm_

I'll finish up here now so I can leave at 6.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_5:20 pm_

Oh, and Molly, I would add one more thing to that list in your voicemail greeting.

 

_5:21 pm_

Cutest rider in the tube in the mornings.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_5:34 pm_

According to whom?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_5:35 pm_

According to me, of course.


	12. Chapter 12

**John Watson**

_6:39 pm_

Hello, Molly! Sorry to bother you! I know Sherlock was taking you out on his _it's not a date John, I like spending time with her and we are going to be spending some time someplace other than her flat but that’s just it, so stop calling it a date because it isn’t_ thing. So I hope I'm not interrupting anything. I just wanted to let you know I will be dropping Rosie off at your place at 8 tomorrow morning and not 7 like I previously told you.

 

_6:41 pm_

Thanks again for offering to spend your day off with her while I catch up on some stuff here. I really appreciate it.

 

_6:43 pm_

Well, have fun with Sherlock and don't let him get away with murder if he behaves like a git. Rosie and I will see you tomorrow!

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:14 pm_

Hello, John! I hope this text doesn't wake you up. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be expecting you and Rosie at 8 tomorrow morning! Can't wait to see the little munchkin! Stay for coffee if you have the time! See you tomorrow.

 

**John Watson**  

_10:16 pm_

Hey Molly.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:16 pm_

Oh sorry, did I wake you?

 

**John Watson**

_10:17 pm_

You didn't. I was watching telly.

 

_10:18 pm_

I’ve been having sleep problems more frequently as of late.

 

_10:19 pm_

I guess it comes with having a baby in the house. Falling asleep is not as easy. And once you do, you actually sleep with one eye popped open and an ear on alert just in case.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:22 pm_

What were you watching?

 

**John Watson**

_10:23 pm_

_Doctor Who_ rerun.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:23 pm_

What channel is it on?

 

**John Watson**

_10:24 pm_

BBC One.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:28 pm_

Sherlock fell asleep with his head on my stomach and I can’t reach the remote without removing him off me. I don’t want to wake him. He’s got such weird eating and sleeping habits, it’s sort of a relief when he eats and sleeps. And tonight apparently he decided he needed both.

 

**John Watson**

_10:32 pm_

How did your evening out together go?

 

_10:32 pm_

If you don’t mind me asking.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:35 pm_

It was perfect.

 

_10:35 pm_

Hyde Park was perfect, the weather was perfect.

 

_10:36 pm_

He was perfect.

 

_10:38 pm_

I took some beautiful pictures of the park at night, with the tree branches all lit up.

 

_10:38 pm_

Let me show you.

 

_10:39 pm_

__

_10:39 pm_

__

_10:41 pm_

And then Sherlock took this picture of me when I was acting all silly to make him laugh/piss him off.

_10:41 pm_

 

  **John Watson**

_10:42 pm_

How did you end up like that on the floor?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:50 pm_

We were walking around the park and we saw a woman walking a dog that looks like my friend’s Maggie. So I showed him a picture she sent me today of him wearing a stethoscope and an old nurse cap from a costume.  

_10:55 pm_

Sorry it’s taking me so long to text, your friend here just grabbed my hand in the middle of his sleep, buried my fingers in his hair and apparently now I’m on “massaging Sherlock’s scalp while he sleeps” duty.

_10:56 pm_

So I’m texting with one hand.

_10:58 pm_

Anyway, he saw I had replied to my friend’s text with ‘ROFL’, and asked me what it was supposed to mean.

_11:00 pm_

I told him it meant “rolling on the floor laughing”.

_11:05 pm_

So he went on in one of his ramblings about how it didn’t make any sense because no one reacts like that, and that it was exaggerated. And that he’d never seen an adult just ‘roll on the floor laughing’ at something they found humorous, and that if someone did react like that then it’d be childish and ridiculous.

_11:06 pm_

Well, you know how he can get.

_11:09 pm_

I told him I thought it was a good answer to something the other person said or showed you and that you found funny. And he insisted that if he said something that I found humorous I would probably laugh but that as a grown woman I’d never roll on the floor while laughing.

_11:14 pm_

I was starting to get tired of him fighting me about something that ultimately is just a figure of speech, so I told him I had no problem demonstrating him what  a ‘ROFL’ reaction  looked like, so I just dropped to the floor and did that. He pretended to be annoyed at first, scoffing and all, but then he smiled and snapped a picture, helped me up the floor and we resumed walking.

_11:16 pm_

In my defense, he did bring my favourite wine for dinner, and I did drink three or four glasses.

_11:18 pm_

I don’t know, it was silly and childish and I love being that way with him, slightly drunk or not.

_11:22 pm_

I like to show him that it’s OK to act silly from time to time, even if you’re an adult. That I won’t judge him and that it’s not the end of the world, that it can actually be fun.

_11:23 pm_

I don’t know, it was kind of silly.

 

**John Watson**

_11:24 pm_

Molly, I think it was brilliant.

_11:24 pm_

I think you are exactly what he needs.

_11:25 pm_

You do him good.

_11:25 pm_

Did he get edible food with the wine?

_11:26 pm_

Or did he get the containers mixed and when he opened it there were human thumbs in there?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:28 pm_

He got food.

_11:29 pm_

Chicken parmesan sandwiches from Angelo’s.

_11:32 pm_

He got a picnic basket from Mrs. Hudson, and a blanket, and he even lit a single candle in a glass jar. He told me Angelo gave it to him, that he said it’d make things more romantic.

_11:33 pm_

It was really nice.

_11:34 pm_

I can’t believe it’s happening.

_11:34 pm_

It’s happening to me.

_11:35 pm_

With him.

 

**John Watson**

_11:35 pm_

I’m glad it’s happening. To the both of you. The git does make you happy, doesn’t he?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:40 pm_

He’s got the ability to drive me up the wall sometimes. But these pasts few days, ever since everything that happened, he’s been different with me. I’ve never seen him so vulnerable, so relaxed, tactile and affectionate. So human, so in contact with his emotions. And he says it’s because of me. I can’t believe it’s because of me, but he says it is. And I know it will be hard, I know it’ll take us time to get it right, but I’m willing to give this my all, and he says he is willing to do the same. And yes, he makes me very happy. He also has the power to make me incredibly sad and give me a killing heartache if he wants, but I’ll risk it.

 

**John Watson**

_11:41 pm_

Good. I’m glad to hear that you’re willing to try.

_11:41 pm_

And for what it’s worth, you make him happy, too.


	13. Chapter 13

**Molly Hooper**

_11:23 am_

__

Rosie and I are visiting the kid's section at Waterstones.

_11:25 am_

I want to ask if they have this beautiful collection, _Little People BIG DREAMS._ I'd like to buy them for her, for when she's older.

_11:27 am_

__

Look at this one! I'm definitely getting her this one! I love Audrey Hepburn. And look at the cute cat on her shoulders! Do you think Rosie will like cats? She does seem to like Toby.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:30 am_

Almost done with this case. (A bloody 7! Can you believe Mycroft called me at 6 in the morning for a bloody 7?! His minions are getting more and more stupid, I tell you)

_11:35 am_

While you're at the bookshop, would you mind checking if they have some titles I've been meaning to get myself?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:42 am_

Sure! No problem!

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:45 am_

I saved the pictures on my phone when I googled recommended books on these particular subjects. I'll send them to you. It'll be quicker, and you’ll be able to get a proper look at them and at details such as the authors and publishing houses.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_11:46 am_

__

I want to get her this one, too. I know that she won't read it until a good five or six years, but it'll be nice to look at the illustrations with her.

_11:47 am_

I talked to John about it when he stayed for breakfast, and he agreed that it's a good idea to put together a library for Rosie.

_11:48 am_

I wish I had had books like these when I was growing up. I want her to have everything, to know all the options and possibilities she's got, and that she can be whatever she wants.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_11:53 am_

It's never too early or too soon to start exposing someone to books and knowledge.

_11:56 am_

_11:56 am_

_11:56 am_

_11:57 am_

_11:57 am_

 

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_12:00 am_

Sherlock what's all this?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:05 am_

Those are the books I want us to get for Rosie.

_12:05 am_

Weren't we talking about books we’d like to get for Rosie?

_12:10 am_

Those are topics I would like my goddaughter to learn about from an early age: all fields of science, beekeeping, and that girls can make very good pirates. That girls can be very good at a absolutely everything. I would like for Rosie to develop a love for reading. Stories stimulate a kid’s imagination and their natural curiosity about the things that surround them. By discussing topics present in books children can exercise both their thinking and reflecting processes. Books are also a great source of inspiration. A kid that reads books in the company of adults that love them- in this case us, Rosie’s godparents- have the opportunity to bond with them as well as being exposed to a wide variety of language features and vocabulary. When children listen to stories they develop literacy skills and their minds are filled with knowledge.

 

**Molly hooper**

_12:11 am_

Sherlock, why are you telling me all this? I already know all this.

_12:11 am_

There's a reason I took Rosie to a bookshop!

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:12 am_

Then why are you so surprised I want to get books for our goddaughter?

_12:13 am_

You know why books are good for her. You want to get her books, I want to get her books. You are in a bookshop, I sent you pictures of the books I'd like to get her so you can see if they're available at the store. I don't understand where I'm losing you.

_12:14 am_

Are you worried I won't pay you back?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_12:14 am_

Of course I'm not!

_12:14 am_

No, of course it's not that.

_12:15 am_

It just took me by surprise, that's all.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:16 am_

Why?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_12:16 am_

When you asked me if I could see about some books, I thought you meant books for you. That's all.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:17 am_

They are books for me.

_12:17 am_

They are for me to give to Rosie.

_12:18 am_

I would like for you to have each one of them gift wrapped so I can give them to her later when I join you both at your flat before John goes to pick her up.

_12:19 am_

I love documenting Rosie's reactions and expressions of delight, curiosity and surprise every time she gets a present, whether it's toys, clothes, or in this case, books.

_12:20 am_

She makes an interesting subject for the study of facial muscles development, which I have recently discovered I find fascinating.

_12:21 am_

It's almost as fascinating as the behavior of your pet.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_12:24 am_

You know you are odd, right?

_12:24 am_

And I mean this in a totally good way.

_12:24 am_

You are this very wonderful, very odd godfather and it makes me so happy that she's got you.

_12:26 am_

Let me check if they have the books you want to get for her.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:56 am_

Sorry, got caught up telling a cab driver his wife is having an affair with his sister and that he's fooling no one with that wig he bought, no matter how expensive it is. He should embrace his baldness. And he was better off working for the private sector, the person that told him he'd make more as a cabbie is definitely not a friend. In fact, he became a cabbie because his former son in law advised him to. An expert in business and finances, he says he is. Bollocks! No wonder his daughter divorced him and is back living with him and his wife. Well, soon she'll only be living with the wife because if he's got any common sense left he'll ask for a divorce himself. An affair with her husband's own sister, for Heaven's sake! I hope he follows my advice. I, for a change, am not the man that married his daughter and is now divorcing her, so I have no reason to give the man any ill advise. I gave him the card of a very good divorce lawyer I know.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:01 pm_

Please tell me the cabbie didn't punch you.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:01 pm_

No, he didn't.

_1:01 pm_

It was worse.

_1:01 pm_

He cried.

_1:02 pm_

Really, Molly, it was hell.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:05 pm_

Getting in the tube with Rosie now, talk to you in a bit.

_1:30 pm_

We're home.

_1:32 pm_

__

Someone's got a ton of new books!

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:34 pm_

Did you get any of the books I recommended? Did you find the ones you wanted?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_1:35 pm_

All those and more!

_1:38 pm_

I'll give her one or two of mine now, OK? She was very well behaved and she was oggling them at the bookshop, she was excited to get her hands on them.

_1:40 pm_

We'll wait for you to unwrap all the others so you can document everything properly.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:42 pm_

Thank you. I won't be long.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:01 pm_

We have the cutest little bookworm for a goddaughter.

_2:03 pm_

You should see the care she handles the books with!

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:04 pm_

Thank you.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:05 pm_

For what? Getting the books? It was my pleasure.

_2:05 pm_

I mean it was no problem.

_2:05 pm_

I didn't mind.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:06 pm_

No.

_2:06 pm_

Thank you for being you.

_2:07 pm_

My _you_.

_2:07 pm_

Rosie's _you._

_2:08 pm_

Thank you.

_2:09 pm_

She would be proud, you know?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:10 pm_

Who?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:10 pm_

You know who.

_2:10 pm_

She chose you for a reason.

_2:11 pm_

She chose you for all the right reasons.

_2:11 pm_

She would say thank you, too. If she could. She would thank you.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:13 pm_

You are not making me cry this early in the afternoon, Sherlock.

_2:14 pm_

I'll have to stop you here while I'm still only teary eyed.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:16 pm_

I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong? I didn't think I was saying something wrong. I didn't think I was saying the wrong thing. I am so sorry if I did, Molly. It wasn't my intention at all. It was meant to be good thing, I didn't want to make you cry.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:17 pm_

It was a good thing, Sherlock.

_2:17 pm_

A wonderful thing.

_2:18 pm_

These are happy tears.

_2:18 pm_

I just stopped you because I didn't want to break down and cry while I'm with Rosie.

_2:19 pm_

I'm still mourning her.

_2:19 pm_

As is John.

_2:20 pm_

As are you.

_2:22 pm_

Tonight, after John takes her home, tonight if you are staying we can talk about her. It'd do me good. I never talk about her anymore. So if you want, then tonight we can talk about her.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:23 pm_

Of course you can talk to me about her.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:27 pm_

Sherlock?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:28 pm_

Yes?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:30 pm_

__

I got her this book because the beeman reminded me of you.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:35 pm_

Don't lie to yourself, you got it because there's a cat on the cover. You can't resist buying anything that's got a cat on it. You love cats.

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:36 pm_

Sherlock?

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:37 pm_

Yes?

 

**Molly Hooper**

_2:38 pm_

She would thank you, too.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:05 am_

You don’t like storms, and you don’t like blackouts. We had both of those last night. You pretended to be fine even though you were terrified. You tucked your feet between my legs under the duvet and told me you were cold, but you were wearing thick woolen socks. You hid your face in the crook of my neck completely. You didn't rest your head there like you normally would, no- you hid your face. You usually run your fingers through my hair when we are in bed, but yesterday you wrapped both your arms around my torso and rubbed your hands in circles on my back. You had tachycardia, a sign that you were nervous, agitated and/or scared. Your heart rate slowed down only when I began massaging your scalp and back, rocking you from side to side and making shushing sounds in your ear. You drifted off a little after a while but if I stopped my ministrations you'd wake up startled. It wasn't until 3 am that you fell into a deep slumber, and even after that I had to keep rocking you and running my hands through your back and hair so you didn't wake up.

 

_9:06 am_

I asked you what was wrong last night and you told me you were fine, but there were several signs in your body language and tone of voice that stated otherwise.

 

_9:07 am_

What I want to know Molly is: why are you scared of storms and blackouts? What is it about them that makes you so terribly upset? Why do you find them so disturbing?

  


**Molly Hooper**

_10:31 am_

Why are you asking this now?

 

_10:31 am_

Why didn't you ask last night if you noticed?

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:38 am_

I did ask you last night, and you told me you were fine. You seemed to be more in need of physical reassurance and comfort, and I thought best not to push your boundaries. You needed physical affection that I tried to provide in the form of the aforementioned cuddling, shushing and rocking. Your body tensed up when I asked you what was wrong, and your voice was 5 dB higher than normal when you answered my question, which is an indicator that you were lying. There were other indicators, of course, that I took into consideration when I made the decision to drop the subject for the present time and take care of you properly. Now that the storm has passed, both figuratively and literally, I wish to know what it is about them that scares you so I can be better prepared next time I happen to be with you when there is one. Seeing how we are practically cohabiting while my apartment is undergoing remodelling, and based on the latest weather reports, there is a 85.3% of probability for another storm to break while we find ourselves in each other’s company.

 

_11:04 am_

If this is something you do not wish to talk about, I will understand and give you space. If this is something you do wish to talk about, I will try my best and my hardest to understand and comfort you.

 

_11:07 am_

It was also brought to my attention by John that perhaps you did not want to tell me why you’re scared of storms because you thought I would underestimate you or consider you childish or silly. I want you to know that it will not be the case should you decide to talk about your fear with me. I will not think less of you or deem you as any of those things for being afraid of the disturbed state of an atmosphere’s surface. A lot of people are unsettled by environmental changes.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_1:10 pm_

They don’t scare me.

 

_1:10 pm_

The storms.

 

_1:10 pm_

They don’t scare me.

 

_1:10 pm_

They make me sad.

 

_1:15 pm_

The night he passed away there was a really bad storm. I had been feeling unwell, I hadn’t slept in a bed for two days straight. I wanted to always be by his bedside because the doctors had told me it would happen sooner rather than later.

 

_1:16 pm_

He hadn’t opened up his eyes all day that day. Not even once. I sat there with him all morning reading out loud from one of his favorite books. I didn't want him to be alone.

 

_1:20 pm_

But then around midday my blood sugar dropped and I passed out. One of the nurses convinced me to go home for the afternoon, have something to eat and take a bath, change into fresh clothes. I didn't want to leave him, but I was so tired, and the nurse told me everything would be the same when I came back, and that my father wouldn't want me to get sick.

 

_1:22 pm_

I was supposed to be gone for only two hours. I ate something, took a shower and grabbed a change of clothes. It was pouring when I got home, and a storm had broken out when I had to leave.

 

_1:24 pm_

The streets were flooded. The tube station was too crowded and my claustrophobia was really bad back then. It took me almost an hour to find a cab in the rain.

 

_1:26 pm_

By the time I made it to the hospital, he was gone. He had passed away half an hour before I got there. He had opened his eyes, asked for me to the nurse that was in the room with him. She left for a moment to see if I was around, and when she came back into the room he was dead.

 

_1:27 pm_

He asked for me minutes before he died, and I wasn't there. I let him die alone. He was alone.

 

_1:28 pm_

This is something I will never forgive myself for.

 

_1:30 pm_

I don't like storms because they remind me of my father's passing and how I let him down. I wasn't there when he needed me most.

 

_1:31 pm_

Storms don't terrify me, they just make me terribly upset and sad.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_1:33 pm_

I’m sorry it had to happen like that. And I’m so sorry you feel like this, Molly.

 

_1:37 pm_

As I am sure you’ve been told plenty of times by several different people, you didn’t leave your father to die alone. You were simply attending to your most basic physiological and biological needs. You were underfed, sleep deprived and emotionally worn out. You needed a break. You needed food, and a shower, and a fresh change of clothes. I know this will sound rich coming from me, but you are human, Molly. You’re bound to behave like one.

 

_1:39 pm_

The nurse that told you to go home was right, by the way. Your father wouldn’t have wanted you to get sick. You were probably sick already, what with sleeping on a chair for several days, drinking coffee from the hospital’s vending machines, and ingesting little to no food.

 

_1:44 pm_

I also understand that there have been studies conducted by a wide range of professionals that show a consistent pattern: terminally ill people wait until their loved ones are not present in the room before they pass on. It has not been scientifically proven, it is just a theory, it is just a pattern, but perhaps you could find comfort in knowing that yours is not the only case.

 

_1:46 pm_

Your father called your name with his last breath because you were the person he loved the most, and you were on his mind when he was dying. He was thinking of you because he loved you. In the state he was in, it was very probable that he didn’t notice whether you were in the room or not. You were on his mind, Molly. Your name was his last word, and you were his last thought. He knew you loved him. He knew you cared.

 

_1:50 pm_

So I will have to disagree with you, Molly Hooper. You did not leave him to die alone. I wish that in time you will see that you don’t have to forgive yourself because there was nothing that needed to be forgiven to begin with. You are a beautiful person, and your father knew that. He would not want you to feel like you let him down, because you didn’t.

 

_2:00 pm_

With this being said, I promise to try and do my best so every time you are upset about this, or about any other thing for that matter, I can comfort you in the ways you see fit. I will not always get it right, and sometimes I will mess up. I wish this weren’t true, but we both know it is what it is. Human emotion is still a new concept to me. I’m learning, you’re teaching me. If I ever say the wrong thing, if I ever behave like a git or a prick or like any of those colorful words people call me, I trust you will point it out. You have always seen through my bullshit, and you are the only person that can make me feel ashamed of myself enough to want to apologize. But you are also the only one that makes me feel human. And worthy of being loved. And you make me feel whole. I don’t ever want you to feel anything but exactly what you make me feel. When I’m with you, I’m safe and sound. When I’m with you, I heal. I want you to feel like that, too. Please help me, I promise you I will try.

 

_2:05 pm_

I hope none of what I said offended you, upset you or made you feel worse. I would also like to pick you up when your shift ends and take you somewhere special. I would like it if you didn’t ask where that is, since I’d prefer it to be a surprise.

 

_2:07 pm_

Although if you want to be left alone, or if you do not want to see me today, or if you’d rather we stayed at your place instead, I would not object to any of those options. I just want you to be OK, Molly. Whatever you think will help you feel better, I’ll do that.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_2:10 pm_

You make me feel whole. And loved. And important. You make me feel like I count. You make me feel seen. And your promises and the fact that you are willing to try to understand these emotions- mine, yours- because you want to take care of me… All of that means the world to me, you know?

 

_2:11 pm_

And of course I’d go with you wherever you want to take me, Sherlock.

 

_2:12 pm_

Every time. Always. You just have to ask, and I’ll say yes.

 

_2:13 pm_

You mean the world to me, Sherlock. In case you hadn’t noticed. But well, I may as well say it. You mean the world to me.

 

_2:18 pm_

You made me feel so safe, so protected and cared for yesterday night. I really appreciated you not pushing for answers because I wasn’t ready to talk about this last night. I just needed you. I just needed you to do what you did.

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:19 pm_

So I did good?

  


**Molly Hooper**

_2:20 pm_

Yes, Sherlock. You did very good.

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:20 pm_

And today, too?

  


**Molly Hooper**

_2:20 pm_

Yes. You did good today, too.

 

_2:21 pm_

You give yourself far less credit than you actually deserve, Sherlock.

 

_2:21 pm_

You take really good care of me.

 

_2:21 pm_

My dad would be very thankful to you for that.

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:22 pm_

I thought we had already established that your dad would hate me for all the times I broke your heart.

 

_2:22 pm_

Well, not only for that, there are other reasons why he’d hate me. Breaking your heart multiple times would be just one of them. The main one, but not the only one.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_2:23 pm_

Do you really still think he’d hate you?

 

_2:26 pm_

Yes, you’ve been a little bit not good to me in the past. You’ve hurt me, you’ve made me cry. Actually, I cried myself to sleep because of you more times than I can count. I cried for you more than I’ve ever cried for anyone else, or for any other thing. I’ve had to nurse my heart back to health a million times because of you. Yes, all of that is true.

 

_2:27 pm_

But you know what else is true?

 

_2:33 pm_

You do care for me. I do count for you. I always counted, remember? Maybe I couldn’t see it at the time, or you couldn’t express it properly. Maybe it was both. But now you do show me you care. You do show me you count. You are not the only one healing, you’re not the only one learning about the complexity of human emotion.

 

_2:34 pm_

You heal me, and my bruised heart.

 

_2:35 pm_

You teach me all the little ways there are to get to your heart. You teach me about your mind, and how it works. You teach me about the world, and how you see it. You teach me about forgiving myself. You teach me about self worth. You teach me about what an advantage caring can be.

 

_2:37 pm_

You teach me about friendship, and loyalty, and protecting the people you love. And you teach me about second chances.

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:37 pm_

The only reason I even know about those things is because you taught them to me first.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_2:39 pm_

My father used to say we are all always learning and relearning new things. So I guess whatever things I taught you first, you are now making me see and understand them under a new light. _Yours._

 

_2:40 pm_

I should get back to work now if I want to be off by 7.

 

_2:40 pm_

Thank you for everything. Thank you for last night, and for today, and for every day. And for whatever you planned for tonight, too.

 

_2:41 pm_

Should I be plotting how to steal body parts for tonight’s plans?

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:42 pm_

No body parts will be required, no. At least not body parts belonging to anyone that isn’t the two of us. And I would very much like it if all of our limbs, fingers and toes stayed attached to our body tissues.

 

_2:43 pm_

I will pick you up at 7, OK?

  


**Molly Hooper**

_2:43 pm_

I’ll look forward to it.

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:45 pm_

Me too.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_2:46 pm_

Thank you, Sherlock. I mean it.

  


**Sherlock Holmes**

_2:46 pm_

Every time. Always.


	15. Chapter 15

**Molly Hooper**

_9:05 am_

I arrived at work.

 

_9:05 am_

The tube was a nightmare.

 

_9:06 am_

You were lucky I talked you out of riding to Bart’s with me just to see me off at the door.

 

_9:06 am_

You would have hated how crowded and noisy it was.

 

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:08 am_

I told you it would have been more practical, less troublesome to hail a cab. The journey would have been a lot more comfortable, not to mention quieter and more peaceful, without the terrible smell of body odour and wet cloth always found in the tube. Besides, I could have ridden to Bart's with you to see you off at the door.

 

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_9:13 am_

I don’t like spending money on cabs, Sherlock.

 

_9:13 am_

The tube is all right, most of the times.

 

_9:14 am_

Why did you want to see me off at Bart’s, anyway? You said you didn’t need to use the lab for now.

 

_9:14 am_

Why see me off at the door to then go back home?

 

_9:15 am_

I mean my place.

 

_9:15 am_

Go back to my place.

 

_9:15 am_

Well, you know what I meant.

 

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_9:16 am_

You won’t stop until I spell it out for you, won’t you?

 

_9:16 am_

I like knowing you made it to work safe and sound.

 

_9:16 am_

I know you always text me when you get there.

 

_9:17 am_

But sometimes it’s not enough.

 

_9:17 am_

This morning I had a flashback to when Eurus threatened to blow up your place with you in it.

 

_9:17 am_

You were making tea for breakfast, and you were wearing that aberration of a woolen jumper with those big stripes in all colours.

 

_9:18 am_

It took me right back to that day.

 

_9:19 am_

It was as though I was in Sherrinford again.

 

_9:19 am_

Being vivisected.

 

_9:19 am_

Forced to break your heart. Forced to hurt you.

 

_9:20 am_

Her words still haunt me.

 

_9:20 am_

‘Look what you did to her. Look what you did to yourself.’

 

_9:21 am_

Watching you make tea this morning, wearing that monstrosity of a jumper again… For a second I thought I was about to lose you.

 

_9:21 am_

It triggered something inside of me.

 

_9:22 am_

It made me very anxious.

 

_9:23 am_

I didn't want you to go to work. I wanted to stay at home with you all day. I wanted you to stay all day with me on the couch snuggling. Your body warmth and the sound of your breathing and heartbeat always make me feel less anxious.

 

_9:24 am_

But I couldn't ask you to take a day off just for my benefit.

 

_9:24 am_

I thought about it. I did. I thought of hiding your keys or something so we'd have to stay together all day and away from the world. Just you and me.

 

_9:25 am_

But you don't deserve a selfish, childish, egomaniacal man. And I am trying very hard to be deserving of you.

 

_9:26 am_

You should know that I did take the Underground when you weren't looking, though. I rode in the same car. You didn't notice me.

 

_9:27 am_

I followed you and made sure you arrived at Bart's safe and sound.

 

_9:28 am_

I'm on my way to Baker Street now.

 

_9:28 am_

In a cab.

 

_9:30 am_

Because there is no way I'm getting on the Underground a second time today. It was disgusting. Where do all those people come from? We're overpopulated. Plagues did have a reason to be, which proves why science is not always objectively right.

 

_9:31 am_

But I'd take the Underground again if it means I can make sure you're safe. Even if it's from imaginary threats triggered by my overly anxious, overly analyzing psychopath mind.

 

_9:34 am_

At the time I didn't mind how crowded and suffocating it was - although I insist if not a plague then a strong advertising campaign for improved personal hygiene is needed in London. I just wanted to make sure nothing happened to you on the way to work.

 

_9:35 am_

I'm sorry if my paranoia and behaviour disappoint you, Molly.

 

_9:35 am_

It wasn't my intention.

 

_9:36 am_

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

 

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:09 am_

Sherlock there is nothing you should be asking my forgiveness for.

 

_10:09 am_

You did nothing wrong.

 

_10:10 am_

I wish you had told me about this.

 

_10:11 am_

You need to tell me about these things. Please.

 

_10:11 am_

I thought of getting rid of the jumper myself.

 

_10:11 am_

But, mind you, it's one of my favourite.

 

_10:12 am_

I didn't want to give it away because it happened to be what I was wearing when Eurus made you call me.

 

_10:13 am_

I wanted to try to make new memories to associate it with.

 

_10:15 am_

And since last night we had a lovely time… I was so happy when I woke up this morning with your arms around me, and then the good morning kisses…

 

_10:15 am_

So I thought I'd wear the jumper to try and associate it with something nice. With you, and our good morning snuggles.

 

_10:17 am_

I put it on because I wanted to begin erasing the negative associations. I did the same after my father died with music and places we enjoyed together. I tried to redefine their meaning.

 

_10:18 am_

I didn't want my favourite jumper to be forever associated with the day that woman turned us against each other and made us hurt the other so much.

 

_10:20 am_

When I put it on this morning I thought from now on it could be the jumper I wore the morning after the first time we… well, the morning after our first time snogging in bed.

 

_10:21 am_

I am sorry I didn't think of what it could mean to you, to see me wearing it again.

 

_10:21 am_

I should be the one asking for forgiveness.

 

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:23 am_

No, you shouldn't.

 

_10:23 am_

You did nothing wrong.

 

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:23 am_

And neither did you.

 

_10:24 am_

Next time please tell me what's on your mind. Please?

 

_10:24 am_

I know it can be difficult.

 

_10:25 am_

But please, don't go into buffering mode. Please don't keep it in.

 

_10:26 am_

Tell me you want to see me off at the door to make sure I am safe and sound, and tell me why. And we can take a cab together so you don't have to ride the tube hiding in plain sight. I know you hate the tube.

 

_10:27 am_

I would have said yes to the cab in a heartbeat if I had known it was to ease your anxiety.

 

_10:27 am_

I'd do anything to do you good, Sherlock. Anything.

 

_10:28 am_

But please let me know when these things happen.

 

_10:28 am_

Will you talk to me next time? Please?

 

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:29 am_

I promise you that I will try.

 

_10:29 am_

Please don't throw away the jumper if it's your favourite.

 

_10:30 am_

We'll try and redefine its meaning together.

 

_10:30 am_

I haven't thought of that option. I always miss something.

 

_10:32 am_

From now on it'll be the jumper you wore the day after we interfaced passionately with one another, creating a field of physical obsession and focused arousal with our lips, tongues and mouths.

 

_10:33 am_

We can do it again today after you get off from work, so it will be the jumper you were wearing when we enjoyed giving each other open-mouthed kisses with heavy tongue involvement.

 

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_10:34 am_

I adore you.

 

_10:34 am_

I have to go do a post mortem now.

 

_10:34 am_

Will you be OK? Are you feeling better?

 

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_10:36 am_

I am now, thanks to you.

 

_10:36 am_

You always help me feel less anxious.

 

_10:36 am_

Lighter.

 

_10:37 am_

You are my antidote to everything.

 

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_12:01 am_

You say such beautiful things. Everytime. Always.

 

_12:03 am_

Are you feeling better?

 

 

 

**Sherlock Holmes**

_12:43 am_

Interesting case came up. Could be an 8, hopefully a 9. Will keep in touch when I can. Send all the messages you want. Will read them when free. Take care and let me know when you get home.

 

 

 

**Molly Hooper**

_12:46 am_

Will do. Please be safe.

 

_3:59 pm_

Just getting to eat lunch now. Busy day at the morgue.

 

_4:00 pm_

More like an early dinner.

 

_4:00 pm_

I'm grabbing a sandwich and some coffee at the canteen.

 

_4:02 pm_

One of the post mortems I had was so bizarre, you're going to love it when I tell you all about it.

 

_4:05 pm_

I hope the case is going well. Please be safe.

 

_4:18 pm_

__

These look fresh and delicious! Perfect for a late lunch / early dinner treat!

 

_4:26 pm_

Oh I almost forgot!

 

_4:29 pm_

I haven't sent you the pictures we snapped yesterday when you took me dog bothering after my shift!

 

_4:31 pm_

It was such a nice surprise, I loved it.

 

_4:32 pm_

It made me so happy.

 

_4:32 pm_

You make me so happy, Sherlock.

 

_4:33 pm_

The fact that you remembered that I told you my dad and I used to go dog bothering on weekends and that it always made me feel better.

 

_4:35 pm_

Yesterday I was missing him badly, and sharing that with you made it all better. You made it all better.

 

_4:35 pm_

I'm rambling on, sorry.

 

_4:36 pm_

I'll send the pictures now!

 

_4:38 pm_

__

__

__

__

_4:50 pm_

I'll do my last autopsy before the end of my shift now.

 

_4:51 pm_

I hope the case is going well and that you'll be home to snuggle and snog some more.

 

_4:52 pm_

I mean, at my place.

 

_4:53 pm_

Well, you know what I meant.

 

_4:53 pm_

I would love it if you called my place your home, though.

 

_4:54 pm_

If you called me home.

 

_4:55 pm_

Sorry, I'm rambling on again. Sorry.

 

_7:23 pm_

I'm home.

 

_7:30 pm_

I'll talk a shower and read for awhile, I'll try to wake up for you! Maybe if you finish the case and you're hungry we can have some supper together!

 

_9:12 pm_

I had some soup and I'm heading to bed now. I'll wait up a little longer in case you text me goodnight.

 

_9:50 pm_

My eyes are closing. Please let me know if you're all right before I fall asleep?

 

_10:00 pm_

I texted John and he told me he's home with Rosie, you didn't call him for this case.

 

_10:13 pm_

Did you have to go out of town for this one?

 

_10:45 pm_

Sherlock I know we said we'd let each other know if we had work to do, and that we'd try to keep in touch as often as possible. And I know sometimes your work doesn't allow you to have your phone with you at all times, let alone text, but please send me a text when you can so I know you are all right.

 

_10:55 pm_

I'm changing my phone setting to 'loud’ in case you text while I'm sleeping.

 

_11:42 pm_

I can't sleep. I'm worried about you. I miss you. I miss your touch. I miss your kisses. I miss your warmth. I miss all of you.

 

_00:13 am_

Funny the little things you notice when you're missing someone. Our pillow smells like your shampoo and aftershave.

 

_00:13 am_

Well, my pillow.

 

_00:13 am_

But since we share it, then it kind of is ours?

 

_00:14 am_

I want it to be ours.

 

_00:14 am_

The bed smells like you, too.

 

_00:14 am_

And my pajamas.

 

_00:15 am_

I'm wearing yours. They're huge on me.

 

_00:24 am_

Please Sherlock text me soon so I can know you're safe. Please.

 

_00:25 am_

I'm sorry if I'm being insufferable or too clingy, I'm sorry if I'm stepping on some kind of boundaries. I just worry because you mean the world to me.

 

_00:48 am_

If you make it home tonight I'm calling in sick tomorrow so we can have a duvet day, does that sound good?

 

_00:50 am_

I won't correct myself for calling my place our home this time.

 

_00:50 am_

I know it's only temporary but I do mean it.

 

_00:51 am_

I want it to be home to you. I want to be home to you.

 

_03:52 am_

I slept a little but I kept tossing and turning.

 

_03:55 am_

I hope you're all right.

 

_04:00 am_

Please come home.


	16. Chapter 16

**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:01 am_

Good morning, Dr. Hooper. It is my understanding that my brother and yourself have become emotionally involved as of late. Therefore I see fit to inform you that last night whilst solving a case he was attacked by a suspect and is now recovering from a knife wound at the Royal London Hospital. A car will be at the front of your residency to pick you up in thirty minutes to take you there. If half an hour isn’t enough for you to go through your morning rituals, the vehicle’s driver is instructed to wait for as long as needed. Good day.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:02 am_

How is he?

 

_6:03 am_

What’s his prognosis?

 

_6:04 am_

What did the doctors say?

 

_6:05 am_

Are any vital organs compromised?

 

_6:06 am_

Damn it Mycroft, answer your fucking phone

 

_6:07 am_

How is Sherlock?

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:12 am_

As previously stated, a car will pick you up and take you to the hospital where the medical staff treating my brother will debrief you on his condition.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:15 am_

Sod the car, I’m taking a cab, I won’t wait thirty fucking minutes.

 

_6:15 am_

And sod the formalities and tell me what the fuck happened.

 

_6:16 am_

What is his prognosis? How is he?

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:19 am_

I apologise, Dr. Hooper. I do not find texting to my likings. The car is already waiting outside your apartment so there will not be any need for you to hail a cab. The medical team responsible for my brother’s health will inform you of his prognosis when you get there.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:21 am_

Please, tell me what happened to him. Please.

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:24 am_

Someone from his homeless network died of an overdose after he was supplied with an experimental drug and paid a substantial amount of money to take it. My brother found out about this and decided to go after the culprits before they got to any others with their ‘kind’ offer.

 

_6:25 am_

He went to a drug den posing as an addict to gather more information about the suspects. One of them was there and when he realized what Sherlock was after they had a confrontation and he stabbed him.

 

_6:27 am_

One of Sherlock’s homeless ‘friends’ was there. He fought the stabber off and tried to stop the bleeding and dress the wound. When he realized his ministrations weren’t going to work, he called an ambulance from a pay phone.

 

_6:30 am_

He lost a lot of blood and they had to do a transfusion. The knife he was stabbed with wasn't exactly the preferred cooking element you'd find in a gourmet chef's spotless kitchen, so they are treating him with a battery of antibiotics to prevent any infections. The knife missed any vital organs.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:32 am_

I am on my way.

 

_6:32 am_

Does John know?

 

_6:33 am_

Sherlock must be in a lot of pain.

 

_6:33 am_

Do you know what they’re giving him? They’re not giving him morphine, are they?

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:35 am_

It is my understanding that they have given him 1 gram of paracetamol for the pain. Dr. Watson is being debriefed on the situation as we speak. My personal assistant is on the phone with him and we are offering caretaking options for his daughter since you will not be available to watch after her.

 

_6:36 am_

My brother wants to see you, Dr. Hooper.

 

_6:37 am_

He is more worried about you than the ten inches wound he’s got in his stomach, or the crashed mobile phone.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:38 am_

Yesterday afternoon he told me he had a case and that he’d be in contact as soon as he could.

 

_6:38 am_

I was up all night sick with worry.

 

_6:38 am_

I just knew something was wrong.

 

_6:39 am_

We promised to always write each other a text every once in awhile even if we were busy with work, just to make sure the other was all right. After everything that happened…

  
  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:42 am_

His phone was destroyed when he was attacked, so he couldn't get in contact with you himself. I notified you and sent a car out for you as soon as I was contacted with details. I don't know the exact timeline of his attack. Several hours passed before he received any professional and proper medical care, but even if precarious the aid his 'friend’ provided probably saved his life. Leave it to Sherlock to have a military doctor and a pathologist for his best friend and significant other respectively but get aided by a drug addict in a drug den.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:43 am_

I don't care if the Queen of England herself stopped the bleeding, I only care that he made it to the hospital alive.

 

_6:43 am_

Are you with him? Are you in his room?

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:43 am_

My dear brother kicked me out and told me to come back only if I was accompanied by you.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:44 am_

It shouldn't take us more than twenty more minutes, and if not I'll get the fuck out of this car and run there.

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:48 am_

There is no need for any melodramatic behaviour, Dr. Hooper. Sherlock is stable now and he will not be going anywhere this time. He is conscious and being his usual obnoxious self. He will probably be trying to talk you into helping him escape the hospital facilities the moment you set foot in his room. It wouldn't surprise me if he had already managed to steal a mobile from someone in the staff and were already texting you and/or John his schemes.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:50 am_

He'll leave the hospital without a doctor singing off his discharge form over my dead body.

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:51 am_

If those are your conditions he will not leave, then. He wouldn't risk it.

 

_6:51 am_

My brother cares deeply about you, Dr. Hooper.

 

_6:52 am_

I would have never guessed it until I was given the right emotional context.

 

_6:52 am_

But he does.

 

_6:52 am_

How surprising they can be, a person's pressure points.

 

_6:53 am_

Perhaps that is why he spent so much time hiding it from others. How he felt about you.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_6:55 am_

He says he always misses something.

  


**Mycroft Holmes**

_6:56 am_

Oh, no. In this case he knew. He always knew. Perhaps he wasn't aware of it at the time, but he did. Why else would he have put so much effort into protecting you? It took a mind like Eurus’ to see for what it really was what he always did an excellent job of masking in front of us.

 

_6:05 am_

I see the car has just pulled up at the entrance, Dr. Hooper. My assistant is waiting for you at the main hall. I guess I will be seeing you soon.  


	17. Chapter 17

**John Watson**

_7:39 pm_

How is he?

  


**Molly Hooper**

_7:39 pm_

He is asleep now.

 

_7:40 pm_

He was in a lot of pain earlier, but they can’t give him anything stronger.

 

_7:41 pm_

It breaks my heart to see him like this.

 

_7:41 pm_

It breaks all of me to see him like this.

 

_7:42 pm_

I just wish I could take all of his pain and feel it myself, you know? I don’t want him to suffer anymore, he’s been through so much already.

  


**John Watson**

_7:44 pm_

As have you.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_7:45 pm_

I’d take all of his physical pain given the chance anyway.

 

_7:46 pm_

All of it.

  


**John Watson**

_7:47 pm_

He’d take yours, too.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_7:50 pm_

I'm so frustrated, and so mad. Not with him. Not at him. The whole situation frustrates me. The moment he starts to open up and get in touch with his feelings, with the human being connected to that brilliant, incredible mind, something happens and he's right back to the start.

  


**John Watson**

_7:52 pm_

Molly, he didn't mean what he said to you today. He was in unbearable pain.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_7:53 pm_

How much of that did you hear? I thought you had gone get some coffee.

  


**John Watson**

_7:54 pm_

It wasn't my intention to listen in on you. I was about to go back into the room when I heard you two talk.

 

_7:54 pm_

I didn't want to interrupt you. I know I should have left and come back ten minutes later. I just froze, I'm sorry.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_7:55 pm_

Who do you think is right?

 

_7:56 pm_

Be honest with me, John. We are friends. You are his best friend. You know him better than anyone, and by now you know me pretty well too. Who do you think is right?

  


**John Watson**

_8:00 pm_

Who do _you_ think is right?

  


**Molly Hooper**

_8:00 pm_

I asked _you_ that question.

  


**John Watson**

_8:01 pm_

I heard him tell you he didn’t deserve you, and that you deserved better.

 

_8:04 pm_

Are you asking me if I think what he said is true? Do you want to know if I agree with something Sherlock said when he was in terrible pain after being stabbed? Do you want to know if I believe that you deserve better than him and that he doesn’t deserve your love?

 

_8:05 pm_

Because I think that by now you know me better than that, Molly.

 

_8:06 pm_

I’d never think that he doesn’t deserve to be loved.

 

_8:06 pm_

Quite the contrary.

 

_8:06 pm_

I've told him I want him to have what I had with Mary because I think he deserves that. He deserves that kind of love. And he's found it. He's got you.

 

_8:09 pm_

Now I see it: he's always gotten you.

 

_8:09 pm_

Your love has saved him and healed him so many times I have lost count. But he hasn't. He knows exactly what you are to him, what you mean to him. And he's scared out of his mind.

 

_8:10 pm_

Because he's Sherlock.

 

_8:10 pm_

Because this is new.

 

_8:10 pm_

Because he feels too much but understands too little of these complex emotions.

 

_8:11 pm_

He needs time. He needs patient. And he needs you.

 

_8:12 pm_

Mycroft told me he wouldn't stop calling out your name. All he asked for was “Molly”.

 

_8:13 pm_

He is consumed by how much he needs you.

 

_8:14 pm_

Every time he's been in mortal danger he has gone to you for help because you are his lifeline, Molly. He clings to what he loves most in order to survive, and he loves you. All that matters is you.

 

_8:16 pm_

And have you met Sherlock? Of course he is going to think he doesn't deserve you. He has been brainwashed to think he isn't deserving of anything good. They have buried deep inside that brilliant mind of his this toxic notion that he is undeserving of compassion, and happiness, and love. Because he is a freak. Because he breaks everyone. Because he puts everyone in danger. Because he is who he is.

 

_8:16 pm_

All of that is rubbish, of course. But he's been made believe that.

 

_8:18 pm_

But then along comes you. Caring and beautiful and wonderful. And head over heels in love with him. Willing to risk everything for him and save him every time. Willing to forgive him for everything and anything he does and puts you through because you adore him.

 

_8:19 pm_

And you make him adore you, too.

 

_8:22 pm_

And one day it becomes too much and he has to face the feelings he has been hiding from everyone and fooling everyone around him so they think that they don't exist. I didn't even suspect they existed until I saw him destroy a wood coffin with his bare hands. I think he didn't suspect they existed until that point, either.

 

_8:23 pm_

I was there when it happened. I saw it. He discovered he’s got a heart and that you have had it all along.

 

_8:24 pm_

Molly, he is scared out of his mind because less than a month ago all of this had been neatly hidden, but now it's in the open and for everyone to see. He has let himself fall and he is scared he will take you down with him and hurt you.

 

_8:27 pm_

What he cannot see, because he always misses something just like the rest of us do, is that you are already down there and that you have taken him with you, and not the other way around.

 

_8:28 pm_

And that even if he took you further and deeper down the rabbit whole, you'd go with him willingly. You'd stay down with him.

 

_8:30 pm_

But he thinks he doesn't deserve any of that. So no, it doesn't surprise me that he told you that, especially if we take into account the vulnerable state he was in at the moment. And no, I don't think he is right at all. He does deserve you, and if he makes you happy then you do deserve him.

  


**Molly Hooper**

_8:49 pm_

Sorry, he woke up for a bit and he was still in pain. I played with his hair a little until he calmed down and fell asleep again.

 

_8:50 pm_

A couple of nights ago he told me that my caresses calm him and clear his mind better than any drugs ever did.

 

_8:50 pm_

And he told me that again just now. That he'd be dying from the pain if he didn't have me here constantly touching his hair and his face and his hands.

 

_8:51 pm_

I am scared and frustrated because I don't know what to make of this all.

 

_8:52 pm_

He tells me he doesn't deserve me and that I deserve better even when he knows I'll always choose him, that I'll always want him.

 

_8:53 pm_

It'll always be him. It's always been him.

 

_8:53 pm_

He also tells me he needs me more than he ever did any drug.

 

_8:55 pm_

I don't know what to think, I don't know what to make of this. Will he leave me once he is out of the hospital? Should I prepare myself for heartbreak? Should I prepare myself to fight for him?

 

_8:57 pm_

What does he truly feel? What does he truly think?

 

_9:00 pm_

Earlier today I thought he was going to push me away, what with all that _you deserve better and I don't deserve you at all_ rubbish. Now he made me get into bed with him and he is holding onto me for dear life. And I want it to be like this, to always be like this, both of us holding onto each other. But I can't live in constant fear he is going to push me away when things get hard because he thinks I don't deserve it. I can't live in constant fear that he is going to want to quit me if he realises there's something about me that reminds him of drugs. Even if he's told me I'm the only thing he's become addicted to that he doesn't want to quit, ever, I can't live with the terror that one day he's going to change his mind about that.

 

_9:02 pm_

I'm sorry for the rambling on, John. It's just that today's been awfully hard, and I am just so scared and so tired.

 

_9:03 pm_

I just want him to understand that loving him will always be worth whatever comes my way.

 

_9:04 pm_

Being with him will always be worth anything.

 

_9:06 pm_

And I want him to understand that he is loved, and he deserves every bit of it. I love him for who he is, and so do you, and Rosie, and everyone else that cares about him.

 

_9:07 pm_

And I wish he could see how happy he makes me. If he thinks I deserve good things, then I got what I deserve. I deserve him. I want him. I don't want better, I don't want anything different than this. I want him. No one will ever be better than him. He is the love of my life. Period.

  


**John Watson**

_9:10 pm_

Tell him that. You told him today, I know. Well, tell him again tomorrow. And then if he insists on you being wrong, tell him again. And again. And again. Tell him a thousand times, a million times if it's necessary. Tell him until he gets it. Don't you think he is scared, too? Make him less scared. Just like you made him more human, you'll be able to make him less scared.

 

_9:11 pm_

Molly, we can show him that he is loved and that he deserves it. We can teach him about all of the complex things he's been ignoring and shutting down and missing on for years.

 

_9:12 pm_

And everything will be all right, you know. It always is when it comes to you two. Your love has a way to keep him alive, and safe, and with time you'll see it also has a way to make him believe in things none of us would have thought possible before.

 

_9:13 pm_

You are a little miracle in his life.

 

_9:13 pm_

Your love is exactly what I've always wanted him to have. You are exactly what he deserves.

 

_9:14 pm_

Molly, he will be all right. You will be all right. You have each other. As long as you have all that love running through your veins, you'll make it work.

 

_9:15 pm_

And trust me, there's nothing other running in Sherlock Holmes’ veins than his love for you.

 

_9:15 pm_

And you both deserve every drop of it.

 

_9:16 pm_

Even if it scares you out of your minds.


End file.
